AliveinMe-TIme4Christ

Let's Grow Old.....

2011-11-19T16:24:00.000-05:00

Let's Grow Old... for Christian Siebens 7/4/04

I've got great dedication

to the best man there is

life sure seems it's ending

on a vast burning bridge

For it just may seem impossible

but you need to hold on tight

that bridge that feels it's coming down

could be the one that gives you light!

Just look beyond all your problems

look toward the coming years

for I'm tired of waiting for flawlessness

continuing that would cause me tears

The world is full of emptiness

if it doesn't contain love

It captured us and held us close

we were guided from above

We all need to learn love

need to learn to receive

for if our love doesn't have both

our life together won't breathe

We need passion

We need faith

We need commitment

but for God's sake...

We need each other's hand

down every winding road

life's weather can get harsh

and fearful stories could be told

We have to stay strong

and don't collapse, do not fold

for you and I are worth it all

we're both fearless, we're both bold

So much in my life, broke my heart

but meeting you, put me back at start

a new breath of life, which starts a new living

full of sweet love and excitement were giving

So hold on tight with me now

For I can't wait to mold

you quench my thirst as we are young

We'll hold strong while we grow old

I love you so precious oneLove,

Hetty

My letter of tears to Dear Hubby....

2011-11-06T18:47:00.003-05:00

My Love .....

I love you with all of my heart, yesterday, today, if tomorrow comes and so on. You are my air. Thank you Jesus for giving us this time, even if it is always thru my illness... no other couple is blessed like this-and I praise you!

Precious One:

I Love you my precious one....

You are a new gift to me, every day.... and even though I am a bitch.... I truly thank Jesus for you every day!!!! Truly, never a day goes by without my love in my heart turning back to our kiss on October 6, 2007, and thanking Him deeply for you!!! You are special in so many ways... ways that I really couldn't imagine one other man being anywhere close to similar. I am not quite sure where Christ thought I was one that was ever worth Him.... but then, let alone a life with the most perfect man that this world could ever have and actually more than that, and save you for someone like me thru a friend like Stauffer of all people. Seriously, two quite the sinners led me out of disaster.... that I was far from perfect in that marriage anyway.... and He took me into HIS arms, giving me more than 2nd chances and a life after death!!! But thru my struggles searching on how to hang onto Him, He led me to fall deeply in love with you, and you only. And I swore, if you wouldn't marry me---which I swore WOULD NOT HAPPEN.... I WAS DETERMINED!!!!!--- but had you just moved on... I swear to you, if I ever ever EVER got married after that destruction.... I would be like 65 if I ever DID get married outside of your perfect self. Cause I knew you were and are my soul mate. The one, and only ONE that God truly had planned for me to marry, one way or another. And when we do go to Heaven, you'll get more than an ear full of how many thanks and praises I bored poor Jesus with over and over with about the same subject.... You & Me.... 2 are 1.... forever, thru everything and everyone.... forever, and everything He has planned!!! I love you to never ending love.... to no restrictions.... just love that is pure, thru Christ, prior our births planned.... and being conquered..... and a story to be told. This is the most important part of my life, that I will love and live forever, with you, as one.... ONE.

Please read this, than re-read this... knowing I had tears first while typing.... then as I type here, I had pure joy... even though I know I am about to be in trouble with you.... for being WAAAAY too late to bed. But I had to type these words to you. I am not sure. I don't think I am dying tonight. I just really felt this on my heart. And what is left of my brain!!!! HAHA!!

Christian Charles Siebens, Know you are my one and only.... yesterday.... today, tomorrow.... forever and after. And I look forward to every moment with you... every breath... every tear... every laugh.... every fight I win... :) (Just kidding.... seriously....) One day, I want to renew our vows again... and then again.... and again..... Never stop that.... cause we never stop growing together thru Christ!!!

I am so proud of you.... who you are, what you know, what you do.... how you do it..... You just marvel me.... my brain goes round in circles trying to study the amazing man you are, and all you do in this life. You amaze me---and so many. But I am the only one who can say, this man is so wonderful, so sweet, he has such a sweet personality, and the most awesome snore at night that soothes me now to sleep!!! :) But that man, and all of his fame, is all mine... no one else's --except our precious kiddo whom he will, one day walk down the aisle....

I love you. I thank you. But I praise Jesus for you. You'll never quite understand, but this is me.

Love always for, and in you,

Hetty

Who is HE?

2011-09-26T20:35:00.002-04:00

"I am far beyond BLESSED!"

Isaiah 53:1-11

1 Who has believed our message

and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,

and like a root out of dry ground.

He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,

nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,

a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.

Like one from whom people hide their faces

he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

4 Surely he took up our pain

and bore our suffering,

yet we considered him punished by God,

stricken by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,

he was crushed for our iniquities;

the punishment that brought us peace was on him,

and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,

each of us has turned to our own way;

and the LORD has laid on him

the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,

yet he did not open his mouth;

he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,

and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,

so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.

Yet who of his generation protested?

For he was cut off from the land of the living;

for the transgression of my people he was punished.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,

and with the rich in his death,

though he had done no violence,

nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,

and though the LORD makes his life an offering for sin,

he will see his offspring and prolong his days,

and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After he has suffered,

he will see the light of life and be satisfied;

by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,

and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,

and he will divide the spoils with the strong,

because he poured out his life unto death,

and was numbered with the transgressors.

For he bore the sin of many,

and made intercession for the transgressors.

When I first heard this whole chapter, I had tears rolling for the description of the pain and anguish that Jesus went thru. In the New Testament, not many parts in there take it to the core of all He suffered thru for us, not like this one in Isaiah. Now, wait a minute-I was a newbie. One that rarely read much prior Matthew, as for that is a whole additional part of growing tight with your walk with Christ, as He leads you in time. I never opened a Bible prior searching for Him in 2003. So, listening to this a few months into my walk just gripped my heart!! As for while the pastor read it, I didn't think twice who Isaiah 53 was because it was obvious to me it was totally about my Lord and Savior--Jesus Christ!!! But as this pastor continued, I finally heard what the AMAZING part about this Isaiah 53 is!!! It is in the Old Testament-BC-Before Christ was born, raised, entering into what His Father, God, called Him to do; telling people the Good News-what God, His Father brought Him into the world as human to share what He was about to do, die-after many listened to His Good News and accepted Him as the Son of God, yet so many rejected then, and foretells for even today we would be like lost sheep, rejecters, others swayed into different cults that sound "perfect." No ones life is perfect. Christ, whom is perfectly sinless through God, did not live a life that was filled with perfection. On the contrary, He lived a life of the most suffering you can't even imagine so that we, who are not perfect, would have a chance to have our sins wiped away. And with that chance comes accepting our Amazing Lord, Jesus Christ into our Lives-forever we need Him, forever we desire Him. As for what they foretold so many years prior to His life sharing the Way, Truth and Life.. all can only get to His Father (God) except thru accepting Jesus into life. Before He was crucified He shared His purpose there, told them Good News. He also did marvelous things that would amaze you, as it did me, when you read it. It made me look back at my whole life when I wasn't into Jesus-and I could blatantly see He was in my life since I was in my mother's tummy!!! Jeremiah 1:4 !!!

So, when I heard that part, actually foretelling from the Old Testament that Jesus, the Messiah was coming to save us!! Thru Him, His blood washes away our sins forever!! FOREVER-as we call on Jesus who was crucified for our sins, to take the punishment for us all-as for God knew how all of us were going to be once the sinning of Adam and Eve occurred--we were from that point on just to worsen in sin, so way back before it all occurred He had the plan of His Son to come clean up our disasters of sins for His Father, our God. So I just have to read the amazing two verses again, that I just marvel over.

Isaiah 53:4-6

⁴ Surely he took up our pain

   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
⁵ But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed!!

Those two verses are just pure truth. And it is so gripping, that if tears don't flow, than the heart pounds with pure love for all He has done, and is yet to do throughout my life. He has already done way past anything I could imagine...yet what is AMAZING is that we cannot, will not EVER be able to try to pay our "sealed promise" back. No "works" even us out. We can't, nor could imagine it. His love is never-ending, His promise is sealed for life here on earth until we finally go to Heaven, where it is sealed forevermore there!!!

How do we ever thank Him?? We praise Him constantly, at home, school, work, shopping, travels etc!! This is now our chance to really show Jesus how much we love Him!!! But we also stand up and share our suffering, as for we are to suffer, just as Jesus did for us. Won't compare to His-but He says at times it will catch us questioning Him, His true Love and Word of promise to be walking tightly with us always, and in hard times just to trust-all things have a purpose that will touch so many lives, even if we suffer, and feel like He isn't there. He is-and is doing remarkable things!! I re-learned today, from a friends video of prayer, yet loss of an infant - to stand up with our belief, pick up the Cross and deny our old life, pressing forward to share His LOVE from near to far for the life yet to come, forever more!!!

This is a precious friends video, that I had no idea, with my own selfish suffering for almost two years, that this all was going on, and sent on-to be with our Lord and Savior. Hear about some amazing true faith here, from @jasonthebaldguy , Jason Carroll - his gift to Christ!! We love you all!!

Cutting Brain Income

2011-08-12T22:55:00.000-04:00

There is a HUGE difference between Philadelphia and Phoenix---obviously not how they sound their "f" out.... with the "ph" ....
I am one who needs doctors-and the ones that I took, for epilepsy, upon recommendation, I will not be making a ride down to his office any time soon.

I love what they can do in the medical field today--but I also love it when it at least SEEMS like they are doing it FOR YOU--and YOUR ILLNESS. Not themselves, and their homes, and cars. The man that is my doc here is very cold--very personality-LESS, and places people in the hospital without understanding, when come to find out-it is most all about him and the money he'd get for referring people for brain surgeries. He really doesn't understand that I am still getting over the 3rd brain surgery. My whole body is in pain-and on meds for that--I am praying that this severe pain will lift SOON!

I guess I was not used to the heart-less doctors... the ones that don't put their actual care into anyone's life-this is why I will continue to fly back to Phoenix to see my neurologist I've had for almost a decade, 3 brain surgeries, and thru severe overdoses after my ex beat me. I don't think one soul can replace this doc. But to be so far the other way---just heartless, was stomach sickening. I think doctors should have to pass a heart-filled test as well, and pass--not heart-less.

I know not to waste gas and go down there again. To the man pushy and thrilled to rip my head open for the 4th time.... just doesn't seem right. I will keep him excited and waiting for me to come back for the next year.... but my face will show in AZ... not there. This is where people with hearts win, in every job out there-when used right. My neuro in Phoenix has to be one of the brightest when it comes to not only the brain, but also the heart!!

I will always be traveling to AZ for all neuro care--as for not one doc out here seems sane.

Make sure the doc you see--is as amazing as the doc I see!!! They ARE out there!!

Blessings!

Heather

Walk Tightly

2011-07-10T10:06:00.000-04:00

Thru all circumstances,

May you feel Christ's Love &

Peace the way I re-shook myself to wake

up and feel and give back. He is our all in all-

why we exist-but NOT why we suffer.

For HE has GREAT plans for us whom follow-

trials on earth will hit us, but we need to remember

WHO to GRASP-not WHAT. That is when the lightbulb turns

on bright and your life for Him is unchangeable.

Worthy is all His Praise, well, or unwell.

Blessings all!

The BIG WHY-was this miraculous 3rd brain surgery that a friend of mine made a folder for me for it. It contained as much of all of the prayer warriors praying for me while I was in the hospital Feb 1-14th for this 3rd, and awake brain surgery. Prayer warriors smoothly had this surgery happen-but after it, about a month and a half I was hit with excruciating pain from feet that traveled up my legs so fast it was out of this world!! Been back to my Mayo Hospital twice in patient and out patient. Nothing was jumping out at about every Doctor you could imagine seeing. And I had to move away from Phoenix to here, in Philly area. That whole year of 2010 all it did was worsen-but really took a toll this year. I am 34 and it is almost unable to walk some days. So, I really had BIG ups and downs with Jesus---as for we had so many prayers for the surgery-came thru so well, the moment I was better from healing-ready to get back to living-I was pain stricken--and it so far looks like for life, cause I haven't had a day off yet.

During this tragic disorder for me-has brought in an extremely big blessing--my Big Bro!! He is always with us, by our side-stays with us so he is here to help me thru the days. Lord I feel bad, as for he takes after my mother in anxiety. So when I hit extreme pain-he wants to fix it while his heart is pounding. But it is amazing how God draws family members together. I wouldn't give this up at all. I've wanted this close relationship with him since I was 19. He was hit with some big trials this year--but recently accepted Jesus--and my heart melts, knowing with the strangest, most painful parts of life-might just help another person.

But once again, in life, even before you know and trust Jesus-His plans our laid out... we may alter them a hunch, but when we accept Him and try to walk tighter with Him, and more like Him--it is then when life begins to change BIG-some you notice BIG TIME and thank Him in tears on your knees, others are more slight changes, or even something that doesn't seem a blessing, but in fact in time (sometimes YEARS) turns into an AMAZING BLESSING with your love, trust, and continual walk and relationship with Jesus. Whether that is with jobs, spouses, children, health etc.... so much has hit my life so hard that I wasn't sure I could, or really wanted to breathe the next day. But as I turned back to Jesus and prayed in tears "what do You want, where do I go from here? will everything work out ok?" He will comfort all in a way that you just will be amazed at. And whatever tragedy is in your life, will soon seem small, as you know He is more than real-He is why you have so many gifts--such as my precious Tory. My ex gave her up-and my husband has been her daddy since she was 2--and I praise God for that. Too many kiddos that are lost and hurt due to divorce, but Christ knew she needed perfect timing-she is sensitive. And she is blessed with my husband, her dad-to walk her down the aisle one day. She is one little girl that has been on fire for Jesus since she was 2... very open. And for that-I thank Jesus for.

Without this man, my husband, Christian Siebens- I am not sure how and where I'd be today. Before I was living for Jesus-I was living for him... to get help to get over the ex beating me, or off the drug I abused to numb that pain. He lived in Seattle, while I was in AZ... and we have endless e-mails... that are so grabbing. Our Lord made us both grow close to HIM, and each other afar, and when he moved to Phoenix back in 2004. Jesus works wonders. We married still, after he dealt with all my seizures, my brain surgery #2 -and Phenobarbital addictions when we re-tried that medication. He is one amazing man, Godly, true, loving, with no raging temper. Shocking compared to my 1st. God taught me a lesson there. Our wedding we had on the date my ex beat me-to wash out the bad-make it a day to look forward to always. He walked us thru more seizures,

I thank Jesus for my precious friends up in MN.... whom I first met on twitter and Facebook... but then in person up in MN. I am off to see them again end of July. These two are the sisters I never had--and are there in a flash when I need them. Know that there are those type of people still today... never give up!!! He has plans for us all.

My baby Tory... 3 1/2 praising Jesus to Chris Tomlin CD in my one bedroom apartment. We sure were a team!!!! Forever Mommy and Tory...

My precious sweet husband always reaching out to me with love... in all my pain...

I LOVE YOU CHRISTIAN SIEBENS!!!

Now here in PA.... I am too ill to find friends... but have the most precious hubby.... Forever thank Jesus for him!!!

God bless you all... know you are never alone. Mountains get very rocky... very steep... but you will reach the top and see pure beauty, again and again--as long as you keep trusting Jesus. He will carry you!!! No ones life is easier.. He knows all whom can handle--and not. He can take trials-and use them for amazing things in your life.... but even better, in others!!!

However, unless Jesus comes to me face to face--and the docs with written consent that a 4th brain surgery will make all this body pain flee... I won't go thru this again... I'll just keep praying the pain flees. :)

In His Love,

Heather

Ephesians 3:16-19

I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength thru His Spirit. Then Christ will make His home in Your hearts as you trust in Him. Your roots will grow down into God's love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God's people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is. May you experience the love of Christ, thru it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

Gives and Takes away

2011-07-09T02:56:00.000-04:00

Jesus. My Best Friend.

He gives and takes away. How can that be one of my most awesome, loved songs... yet the lyrics are so brutal in certain ways. They have more than grabbed my heart and drenched it. Yet we cry those tears of love to Christ to "He gives and takes away..." He knows what we are to have and when--or what to go thru--I will never question that.

Now on a normal day, normal street, normal humans-we wouldn't look at it that way. Whomever gave us something amazing-then snatched it--we would be ANGRY!!! We might have hatred. We might not talk to for a while or so. But this is Jesus. His choices are right. His are clear to Him. His make our life an amazing one to keep living for Him, with His purpose. But it still hurts.

I had to deal with my 2nd surgery hurting my heart due to large seizure just prior 7 weeks and check up appointment with my neurosurgeon. And this song grabbing me both emotionally and with comfort. Letting me know that Jesus had more plans after that 2nd brain surgery-and I just had to hold on and trust Him.

Did that hold back tears. No. But I had the comfort of Him talking to me, perfect timing, letting me know His plans still were to come.

I went thru years of suffering, seizures, medication illnesses, etc for my 3rd brain surgery to arrive in February of 2010. I was so excited. So thankful.

After the amazing awake brain surgery I was "well" and healing for two months from the pain. Once that pain left-I was ready to rumble. Be more than who I was over a decade ago.

I started working-out. It only took 2 weeks for it to crash my body limb by limb. Starting with the foot. Worked its way up to my neck-including my fingers as I type. Everything killed me and nothing with any appointment made sense or got better. I am still waiting for it to flee-or answers.

John Hopkins wasn't one thrilled to take my case now that we moved to Philly, away from my docs at Mayo in Phoenix. So we just were left in a limp serch on our own--having private neuros send me to Jefferson Hospital, and one private pain specialist is holding my case until SOMEONE takes it on--as for it is just unexplainable, unless I were God. I have additional body faults one by one quickly since that surgery. From the extreme pain all over to muscle jolts, and wonderful loss of memory and language in speaking.

Most of all I was angry at God. I have never understood why He would keep one, who has been a good kid, decent adult, then when found Him, pretty darn on fire for Christ--enabled, unwell. How long does He plan to keep me down and why?

He has a reason for everything. And in time, we will see it unfold. Perhaps some of it---or again maybe some won't see til time is in Heaven with our Lord.

I have been able to slowly, painfully walk thru all of this. Causing blow up arguments we never have with my husband who now travels so much. I wasn't able to be home, on my own with Tory. I could hardly get a glass of water for myself--many times I couldn't. But there were several business trips he wasn't able to find anyone to come out, on our money, to help. And my heart would turn cold and feel beaten up--as for once again he leaves me stranded, in excruciating pain as he goes plays with the business guys. Raw deal. I think my heart was hurting--and shut off for understanding any other side of the story.

I found that Jesus was using my love for Him to totally change one of the most special people in my life--who was wrongly accused and put in jail. Not only the jail here in Philly that took him in for Denver, no, they made him take that atrocious van cuffed ride--10 days all over the nation--little food, little urine stops. But he had a choice--to keep the Jesus he found in jail, in focus--knowing that still is in plan---or to throw a tantrum, shake his fist at our Lord. My brother chose the first. AMEN. And on the tough ride kept peoples spirits up. He is now here again in our home-with so much faith and love of our Lord--after 8 years of my relationship with Christ, praying one day he'd see Him clearly too.

So this is where the strange blessings can come from our suffering--my severe pain. And as it continues, I pray it does more good for our Lord again, somehow, in any way Lord---just lead me!!!!

I may not be the work out queen anymore... but I sure know how to share His love--and the obvious touches of His hand for healing after those three brain surgeries. With Him--He carries us and holds us tight!!!

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

We are pressed on every side by troubled, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Thru suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.

Heather

Praying

2011-05-11T04:32:00.010-04:00

I keep praying. Don't you? Seems like there is just never-ending reasons for prayer, for everyone for the last few years--with this one really kickin!!!

As pretty much ALL OF YOU KNOW.... I am sure, I used to be the Twitter/Facebook addict--and I really thought that I would be up and running full force again with all those social networks-sharing the deep, amazing love of our Lord and Savior--Jesus Christ: for you all-and dear Lord, never ending for me and my family.

I have been quite silent.

Some of you may know my causes-many may not. But Jesus chooses for us to take such different paths than we ever thought, read about, looked for, and ever prayed for. Actually, my first favorite part of the Bible is all about Paul--showing over and over how to praise Him and live for Him, no matter where you are, or what you have going on--HE WILL SEE YOU THRU--as for HE HAS GOOD PLANS FOR YOU-FOR ME-FOR US ALL!!!As we all grip Jesus with love and trust--He will have these amazing days we see are all directed by HIM--then others we do wonder where He has gone?? Is He ever coming back?? But Paul from the Bible didn't have those negative attacks. On all actuality, he was able to take such harsh, drastic struggles that were hard to understand--but He knows our Lord-how amazing and true Christ is. He didn't die on the cross and raise from the dead for humor or to be caught to make star hit blockbuster movies---no. It wasn't fun for Jesus--all He died for us that was atrocious in pain. Which is why I am even talking about this verse---you will catch that is a few coming up..... but Paul was ready and alive for our Savior--no matter the suffering, pain, illness, or struggles. We all have those-finally in life-once we are done shaking our fists, doubting the Lord of Lords-or for Paul-killing people back then who DARE to believe in Him (when he was Saul). I think that with me finding Christ so late-I have been marked one to have very many-if some how this lady actually finds Christ with the way she was brought up and town she lived in. I was not one up for all this "perfect" people stuff when I was first told about it.
And now I look back at the Bible--and I am almost a duplicate of Saul who was out to rid believers of Christ from my friendships in my 20's.... then oh wait a minute--same man--was talked to directly by JESUS!!!! Who knew what he had in him. And the tears roll--as we see the wrong--he was out killing others, I was working on myself with high doses of Phenobarbital-numbing all pain in life instead of finding HIM to give all troubles to--and ask Him to lead me. Heck-he knew every hair on my body before my mother even did!
I started reading the Bible in 2003 and attending a church where I also had a Bible study. There is where I heard so much about Paul. And I heard he more than accepted the new man he was-living all for Christ. Which struck me-cause this man-with illnesses, or being chained down in prison-was the happiest soul ever. He was given a new life-that living so lively-so on fire 24/7/365-that there was no flashback of his bad past-Paul just lived every day Alive for Christ and all for His Glory-with no regrets-just amazing days to come.

So having never grown up with the Bible-I was all lit up. It was just amazing how someone could take everything I have been going thru-and combine them in THEIR LIFE. Talk about struggles and major need for prayer. But I have found a bright, sunny, positive in my suffering--I know who to give it to... and as much as humans help...they do nothing that God has in store already. So don't have just your human friends lined up to help pray online, in church, by phone, at Bible Study.

Praying for ourselves is great--so we can gain strength to pray for everyone in dire need. Having that personal relationship with our Creator---But my greatest desire is to be one person, on fire---ALL THE TIME AGAIN-no matter how much pain I am in when my husband is away on business trip. I am sure He would like less stress for all of us.....that is one beautiful reason why He has Heaven. In the end of all of this Earthly chaos-we will praise Him all the time when we reach Heaven.
No stress in Heaven--and when New Earth is fully developed-no tears for others.

The best part of the last 3 months is far from my health--must not be in Christ's plan right now...my marriage is back to feeling like the first days-not just my severe pain. My big gift from Jesus--has finally announced his trials in life--which we walked with him in much of....explaining since 2004 how Jesus has plans-if He accepts and reaches out to Him. My cool brother, even knowing we were Christ-addicts-came to us for help a couple years ago--and I can't let him go. As for he hit rock bottom recently---which threw me in a line of major depression and marital issues due to my brother being gone who helped us-and my husband gone, no matter how severe the pain-and sadness of my brother incorrectly placed in jail.

I stayed connected to my brother-in prayer. I stayed angry at my husband who tried to meet travel change needs--but just weren't enough with this severe pain-not to me anyway.

We had a couple great friends come to help-we paid the air fare. And we had couple sour ones--that were looking for the normal "Heather help" but that was not what this was for. And still, in any prayer, they didn't understand it wasn't an at Heather's home council time for her. I am one to now see clearly I am to do personal Bible study-yet posting thoughts of scripture on line when in dire pain. But when in control--to go back to the "On Fire For Christ For All to Hear and Read...." I miss those "Paul" like days..... but he is teaching me-in pain he had no bitterness--just glory for Jesus-that's where I was, that's where I am heading back. Can anyone help by making sure I keep blogging and video'ing -sharing more amazing stuff to come???
I love you all-as for God put you all in my life for so many amazing things-you all have blessed me life, and I forever thank you!!

Troy---you will never know how you have once again changed my life. Big brothers are more than big--forever huge part in my life

You are my big brother-
My child's Uncle, yet "twin"
My husbands best friend
You keep me sane....
And I love you so much-
How can I love you even more
every day? I do.
Keep praising Him-He is all we need
to get thru all this crazy stuff-
and get to just relaxing time we love.
I love you Troy. I love you Christian. I love you Jesus!!!

In severe pain-and I love you all thru it. Jesus will take care of it today.

I love you all---and know, I have for a long time-I just let pain get in my way to remind you. So here it is again-I love you all, such gifts to me from Jesus-and I praise Him!

Keep your chin up thru tough times too....if I am gonna, Lord, He gives all who call on Him the strength to!!

Have a blessed week!!

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

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Love to you from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.

Heart Brakes

2011-03-17T21:23:00.010-04:00

God has blessed us with so much--that we have no way to return, other than to praise Him. Show Him HE is our #1! But losing close friends along the way hurts-and all the chaos in this world of drastic stunts people can pull--they can be sitting next to, blood related, someone you raised, one you married--just so much hurt out there and truly the only with answers to heal that pain for all--is Jesus.

I pulled drastic stunts when I went thru "unfair" pain. But my neurologist sent me to psychologists/psychologists and I agreed so I could proceed in getting better. But the biggest reason for my healing was I found THE perfect church, that had the Holy Spirit wrap tight around me. Jesus walked and talked directly to ME!!! And has ever since!!! But during my search, and prior--I was paying big consequences. I wasn't on a "favorite" list---He loves us all as ONE. But we have to pick up our cross--walk with Him, for Him, about Him-all for Him. That is what life is about. Not why don't I have money, or that car, or wellness, or the girl/boy I wanted, or did he divorce me etc.... we have to count on HIM that with our faith in HIM--HE WILL SEE US THRU---He knows the route, we just have to trust Him in this "leap of faith."

It has been one thing after another of severity since I was 25. I am now 34. And I just don't think it slows down as He keeps strengthening us--getting us out there with the win of each battle to share our Good News thru His Good News.

My road took another HUGE route that has me in more pain and seizures than usual--- people play evil games, when knowingly are doing evil. My brother is my bestest friend... but I cannot explain details right now.... other than in life, he has been very confused on what he has wanted. Therefore-divorced looking for more--when in reality, it was the void in his heart. Had it all---but lacked what was most important to keep it all together and blessed---Jesus. His ex wife has recently found Him, and my heart jumps for joy!! I keep praying for my brother, when here in such tragedy- keeps asking.

With all that confusion I lost his ex wife as a daily friend, which my daughter has her name as her middle name... known her since I was in Jr High..... amazing woman today. Hurts, cause I love her so much-but this is how the Devil works with our Free Will.

He proceeded with others I had to learn to adjust with his change--I did well. But he would quickly change as I formed a relationship with another.... looking at this you can see, his heart has a huge void---and still is not filled, as for last psychotic girlfriend end of last year-beginning of this--she and her mom pressed charges - which were all equal in reality--- but he was taken away, cuffed from my home, due to a heartless, non-follower of Christ. So now I have this heart that loves so much--that is fighting not to hate them-I just don't appreciate negative surprises... the "get you backs..."

I love my brother so much, no matter what happened--- 70x7 forgiveness per Jesus... we sure don't see that here anymore. All about revenge. That is a voided heart---my brothers ex wife has a filled heart and on His track... and I am forever grateful. We all live and learn---all takes two. Same as a close friend he dated a long time---forever her heart shows Jesus' love. Look around you and see does anyone you know close need to fill that void with Jesus? It changes all so drastically.

I was beaten by my ex--total ability to get revenge --press charges. Had all legal pics taken... I did not file--he did not do time. I know Jesus will do it on His own. My ex and I panned out friends, then just afar, he remarried, gave up our child to her "dad" to Tory.

How hard is it to go a day, then 2, then a week without hating one thing? Even the traffic. We are just blessed to have life. As I sit here half blinded and in severe pain from 3rd brain surgery.... I KNOW I AM BLESSED EVEN THRU THIS. I pray for those who need to knock down, to feel good....

I love you Maria... thank you for your heart....

And your info and heart has my head straight Lisa...

But I miss him... know wrong is wrong-- and I just pray God takes a big grip on this and bring Him completely to Jesus!! That is my hope and prayer....

While setting the wrong doers straight.... when they see You light, they will see what is truly wrong.

Love to you all out in FB and twitter land... life wouldn't be the same!! Amazing how many I have met---and will again meet this Sunday!! God is good!!

Lamentations 3:31-33 For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though He brings grief, He also shows compassion according to the greatness of His unfailing love. For He does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.

Proverb 10:28 The hopes of the godly result in happiness, but the expectations of the wicked are all in vain.

Reaching out Response

2011-03-08T04:25:00.000-05:00

As I reach for Christ, He is ALWAYS THERE;
As I reach or look for past daily attention from my lover-
it is missing.

My whole life growing up-I felt the human touch of love. My family. None of us knew about our Lord and Savior-who died for our sins--to clear our plate of destruction, lies, etc.....
It took near death for me to wake up in my running to find Him. Nevertheless -HE KEPT ME FOR A PURPOSE---as He has each and all off of YOU! Remain tight to Him-all things do have a reason...
They are just so hard to begin to understand. So much tragedy in the 90's after I was presented this Man named "Jesus" occurred. But I knew they was a "Someone" or "Something" out there--for me to have made it thru the late 90's.
When He notices your wanders even more--even more miracles happen. Many bitter ones will look at it as cruelty-if there is any "God." The other section knows deep in their hearts He is just really trying to get all His "sheep" going the right direction--HIS direction. So when tragedy, pain, saddness appear--all you have to do is call on Him--He is the One to rely on. Who has your plans laid out. And with all you face that is difficult in your life, is for you to hand onto Him, trust Him-knowing He is using all for His Glory; not like the HUGE percentage others feel it is torture for any bad they have done. If you have truly accepted Christ into your heart, mind, soul-LIFE--He is always YOUR BEST FRIEND-with unconditional love! How radical is that!!! Our love can't ever compare' which is why we our supposed to live with our walk as close as possible with Him-study and read about all He has done, stil does-will continue to do!! WOW!!!
We are just selfish creations. I know He placed my hubby and I together for amazing reasons. I used to call my hubby my little Jesus He was so striving to be very gentle and loving--allowing all my faults--but loving me still.
Wasn't until our move to Philly that everything got rocky.
My health just shortly after my 3rd brain surgery took a HUGE dump. Which wasn't "perfect" timing for my husbands new career. The main office is in Philly. But he was given a choice; to stay in Phoenix where all our family is located-and all my docs for every illness I have-or freezing Philly to watch my pain worsen from natural pain that blows up my body 80 times more. The pain from the cut that controls some brain memory, looks like I'll be in utter pain- painful for even the "good" days the rest of my life. I accepted that, finally. But it has been hard without being near family, friends, my church-and my husband gone almost over half of each month. That wasn't the agreement. We moved so he would travel less than that-cause I can't make it on my own. But I truly feel like a single parent, with a wonderful uncle who lives here most of the time-praise God. But isn't the same as your husband, or Tory's daddy.
If I knew travel would be like this-- I would have stayed in Phoenix, until travel calmed-then moved where he felt best. But this has torn my health to shreds, my childs anxity has increased--feeling at the age of 9 she has to take care of herself--cause even when He is here, he is so diligent as if he was at work. She is 9!! My kiddo can't take militant aggressiveness for what he needs done; asking, telling, describing what he needs done is the best what my sweet Tory can handle it-and feel productive, not behind.
My husbands mind is in this twirl of work, talking to the owner of our home about deals, detangling my necklaces is when those thought were in his mind-as I walked in--in a skirt he has wanted me to buy forever. I did. M past lover would have his mind off of everything and had said how beautiful I looked---seems a long time, except when His brain has time to--on Facebook.
As a sick one it does feel good once in a while to here how "beautiful I look" face to face. Not just talk about where are we going for dinner.
That isn't the only---but an example of how my heart hurts.
Which is why I praise God I found Jesus---or there would be no one else logical to talk to about all this. I praise Jesus for close friends. to help get me thru my brain and pain complications-and husband always gone--even when he is home.
We will make it thru--if we BOTH stick to Jesus for our marriage, not just his work.

In His Grip,

Heather
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort of God.
Psalm 57:10 For Your UNfailing love is as high as the Heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds.

Love that is True-

2011-02-20T01:27:00.000-05:00

My Precious One

Making it thru---that I am. But it isn't on my own, or with doctors, etc... of course it is with Jesus-whom gave me two big gifts--my husband Christian, and my precious daughter Tory. Tory may only be going on 10-- but because of all of what I have gone thru, she has matured way too fast-especially in the medical field... how people are feeling. She really knows how to show support, her heart and love--and show hope thru Christ seeing all that He has carried her Mom thru.

She was born a very "safe" child. In all ways. She knew not to run up to me on my first day back from my first brain surgery with my head wrapped-and jump into my arms. (PRAISE GOD) She just gently walked up to me, wrapping her tiny 1 yr old arms around my legs. Brilliant!! Nothing changed except she had come to know Jesus Christ BIG TIME for my 2nd and 3rd brain surgeries. And all my hospitalizations in between. She would share her faith. I sadly missed out on most of it---being the one in the hospital. But I sure heard the beautiful stories that amazed me--bringing tears to my eyes while I was at Mayo each time.

My Tory always has such a beautiful personality--one that is full of love for Christ- full of endless love for me, and people surrounding me who suffer. Anyone in a bind, having tough times my kiddo has such a heart for--and doesn't understand why people treat a person so bad. So she is like the school "studier" of the shouldered children. And she seems to confront them--and easily make friends after a days work. Then she is really baffled at how people can just hate at looks or first day attitude meeting--could have just been a bad day or shy. She blows me out of the water. I was NOT that way as a child-yet I had NO idea whom Jesus Christ was. I just knew I was the "cool" kid--and I had my priorities--if ya looked a bit dorky, you weren't part of the "cool" crowd--simple. No sad. And my daughter, never having heard that story--already had a molded heart for Jesus-for love for people of all types-that makes mine beat triple times in praise to Jesus!!! That was the part of me I would have changed as a child growing up. And He must have known that--and did that with my beautiful child. I thank Him for His amazing work. Never did I imagine such a perfect daughter in my life.

We may have an "imperfect" set up to others. Christian is her dad-not my blood, but by love and soon adoption! As for the "biological" one beat me when she was young--and only tried her out long distance for a while--then his new wife and money supporting my kiddo became selfishly important---that is human--not me, but human. So he signed this precious child he barely knew into the strong arms of my husband today--Christian Siebens. And I praise Jesus for that. It was sure during times of trials--making sure I'd still keep my tight grip on HIM---but it came thru. And now she says she has 2 Dads----Jesus and her daddy---Christian. That is the lifetime gift for me. To fill the void--one that could have been empty, and confusing for years--filled right away by the love of my life. We thank God for a mutual friend who introduced us, John Stauffer--had he not--we never would have crossed paths. Amazing how HE works thru others for our good!! His Glory!!

And my little Tory, as she grows will have a lifetime story of love and laughter-in a family that never quits, never gives up during any huge medical extreme, job decline to job inclines with lengthy moves. We hold tight thru all family issues-knowing we stand firmly in Christ's focus-His Way, His Truth, His Light in life---and we don't let others against Him shake us. For He is the one who painted this beautiful portrait of our family and got us going on His Plans... (as we all altar at times) But we will love all--show His light and grace---but share His love and truth--as for our lives are completely changed for good--and for the good!!! And we praise Him.

Smiling Christ-Follower/daughter

The amazing part is---we have this little girl who has lifted her hands to HIM since she was 3... speaking out loud about how "Jesus died for us on the Cross" since she was 2---and she just gets more lively as she matures!!!! With that I say...

"Thank you Jesus---You do all things Good!!! To God be all the Glory for all the Good in our lives!!!! YOU keep us satisfied!!! "

Keeping my focus on Him--keeps my pain at bay... Keeping my love alive for Him... keeps my pain lessoned. Keeping my focus and love alive for my family and friends--makes life alive and in need to quench more for my thirst for Christ---in thanks for such blessings!!! With Him---I am alive!!! Always-thru everything. With you all--my heart grows bigger for more love for all you, more of His people---and always our God more!

I give my heart to Christ--Christian and precious Tory at the top of my list- whom I'd die for. But my list continues so long in family and friends that are like family that I just praise Him!! So I praise God right now for whomever is reading this---He placed something special in your heart that my heart thanks you for!!!

Know thru Christ-all things ARE possible. If my little girl believes this-do not waver as an adult!! Trust our Father in ever step you take-and pray about. He has amazing plans for you!!!

Love to you all---always!!

Heather @AliveinMe

ALWAYS:...

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 REJOICE ALWAYS!! Pray Continually, give THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES--for THIS IS God's Will for YOU in Christ Jesus!!!! (AMEN!)

Every Family Movement from Hetty Siebens on Vimeo.For all my precious friends........ most of all, my daughter Tory Moriah Siebens, hubby Christian Siebens---who both hold me up thru everything..

The amazement is--how Tory could even at 1--her faith became so strong at 2--and rocks today!! I am just so blessed!!!

Love you all!!

Severe Pain Brings Blessings

2011-02-01T23:28:00.000-05:00

Third Brain Surgery Beginning-deep electrodes

How awesome is our God? How Mighty and Strong thru all of our trials-knowing each step we have to take--and yet to come...

We sit and groan thinking it is the worst pain or issue ever-when in fact, give it time--He will prove your strength-only thru your trust and faith in Him, as you hang on to even more rougher roads to come--you never thought YOU could handle.

I am one very fortunate person. He blessed me with not faith as a child or young adult, just fearlessness. Trust in parents. That later when I found Him at 26--became a HUGE understanding of Faith and His hands tight on me---even when I didn't know it.

I am one very blessed lady to have found Him in timing for 3 brain surgeries--for me to pray years upon them.... thru them, and the seizures and testing between the years of each of them--trying to seek His purpose behind the continuance. Today was my one year anniversary of the beginning of my 3rd brain surgery---that led to so much. It was miraculous. So many praying from East to West on twitter and FB--people I knew closely, others not. But I am a very open person about all my testimonies---praying to reach out to at least one lost person to come to Christ---then as many as Jesus blesses to. My mouth will talk all about my walk. And this 3rd surgery had so many positives that I dance up a storm about it. But not long after, it also had a huge crash--so there were tons of AMENS....then came a billion tears.

On the first of February---as the date is today, now a year ago--they first placed the in depth electrodes deep in my brain to read all seizure activity all over-to see how much to cut, where, what parts can't be taken out due to verbal, eyesight, etc. And they did testing with those deep in my brain for days-checking to see how it changes. It just was amazing. The pain let up a bit on the 2nd night-so the 3rd morning I was there-I was able to move more, talk, etc. So I broke out my lap top for the next nine nights leading up to my 3rd brain surgery to come----which the most radical part of this brain surgery out of all 3 was this one was done AWAKE!!!! So I could assist the docs in what was being affected!!!! Was so awesome--bit painful last 20 minutes....but every ache was worth that ability to tell them where to go-so you aren't blind. It's being part doctor!!!! Was fabulous thru our Lord to have that happen for me!!

I had such close connections thru phone, text, gifts, in person, internet--etc....prayer warriors!!! Christ made this surgery almost pain free!!! Afterward you usually pound for weeks--I did not. I smiled big thru the working of our Lord.

Now not everything lasts the way we want it to-so we sure are to take in those great moments and treasure them! As for I had a whole whirlwind ahead---pain-ALL OVER my body began when I began functioning-about 2 weeks of wellness then the body severely crashed for almost a year now.

For the most part, I am seizure free. Unless my medication is increased for the brain to control the sensing of pain. Then I have a few doozies. If I wasn't on that though-that surgery was a miracle--very seizure free otherwise.

I had time during the pain of the body after surgery---that I grew so bitter. No answers. I was mad!! And thought God just had it in for me. But after a month or so just offline--doing projects--I felt Him with His arms around me--assure me in saying--That there is much more to come--it wasn't all about me, the pain and suffering--to get my eyes off that and back onto Him, family, friends I love. And once I did---pain calmed--with me able to walk more!!!! Making gifts for others. Sharing fun times with friends near and far. He made a lot of good come out of pain---and with that--the pain sure has eased---as I focus on Him, and dear friends instead.

That February was an amazing time of my life. Changed it for the better. And this February is thanking all there last for joining in prayer---it has carried on throughout the year!!!!!!! God bless you all for seeing me thru this---I may have quite a bit less brain, but enough to know our Lord and Savior is so True and amazing---and how blessed I am with each of you as family and friends that carried me thru!!

God bless you all....today-tomorrow-----forever!!

In His Love,

Heather J Siebens

I have hair!!!!

Psalm 115:1

Not to us, O Lord, not to us,

but to your name goes all the glory

for your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Never too Late

2011-01-18T01:16:00.000-05:00

We used to live in AZ-I was there for a couple years longer than my husband. It is where so much good and amazing happened, while I was fighting off the bad. I had my year of overdosing being very tough to ever get up-and make it thru the day. But I had my precious baby-and knew there were plans.
I fortunately found Jesus-my faith grew when I found Him and grew with Him, side by side--even when I was bawling but gripping Him tight.
Not long after my handsome, and most amazing soul for a man, husband, follower of Christ moved to Chandler--knowing that we WOULD be ONE once some of the issues were taken care of, in HIS timing.
Arizona was amazing for us... we had a bunch of different challenges, mountains to climb over, and deserts to cross abroad....
but anytime we we ever EVER thought we were not going to make it--we knew to check ourselves, and each other. Were we still going to church, Bible study, sharing His word daily? Were we still praying, and listening to His music? Or were we falling back a bit on everything--in addition to some irritation with our Lord and Savior, Creator and Best Friend--Jesus Christ? When my health would take a whopper that made zero sense--there were only SO MANY months I could go, without the human side of me--my flesh that cared less about faith to explode. Give Him the cold shoulder like I would handle it all myself.
Well none of us can. And I am far from some special being that can. Heck I am a late finder of Christ--late surrenderer... but one, when I did-I knew there was no turning back. He had saved my wrekless life too many times, I needed to use my hands, feet, heart, body, soul-For HIM, not me.
And that was taught really well. We finally reached the point of all finished by us what was laid there by Him for us to encounter-it was His time for us to move on in growth to another city and STATE. Which was just an amazing location--Philadelphia is where Christ called my husband with such awesome faith--to grow with it, and helping others to grow in theirs. His boss-new, just net for the interview was thrilled in all testimony talks he had of his own and me to us, it had him so excited and open-just what he was looking for -for the exact job my hubby was. I was thrilled with the location--I lived where we'd gotten the house we loved in Downingtown, PA- when I was 17. All was just too perfect financially, location, faith and personality of who he'd work for. It was too perfect--
I fell into pieces not long after. Moves I guess can be tough--I have done it so much. But not with my little girl at this age, nor me unwell in several areas. One in particular that just was killing me--was the whole severe body pain---and 3 stories to this house. All found the beauty and all---but I saw the dark. I was angry and hard hearted for the severity of my pain--for over half a year. My husband was gone so much. But when he was here--he was the better husband he ever was--and I just wouldn't see it. I just felt the pain, and uncaring. When there isn't any man that can meet standards much like my hubby-I should have been grateful and as humble and loving back--but not only was the pain pulling me out of my faith--not searching hard and finding the right church added right to it. I wouldn't even watch my churches sermons on line. I just curled up mad at the world--and on the way to dying in my heart.
I pulled away from Faccebook/twitter land---and shut the world out. But thru it all--I was helping the most precious family member of mine, and didn't even know it. Which led to him becoming more the new him--on well steps, and steps of faith thru Jesus. And that is where my heart turned. My husband was one reaching out to me--as I reached out to my brother. I knew the difference to make my personal help better and quicker is thru faith thru our Creator. Not just good words-and definately not medication in that situation. So my busy before Bible became my best friend in books again--as Jesus I called to wipe away my bitterness. He showed me easily thru my over expectations. I ranted and raved about my 3rd brain surgery dare rid seizures, but cause such awful pain that life isn't worth it. He showed me worse--He allowed that to come in, so what used to be a tender, loving head--became one judgmental. I had awful seizures hitting, IN ADDITION to severe, awful pain in every joint, every hour--that the walker didn't even help. I just laid on our couch for months-unable to hardle sip some water.
But even though the pain is still there, my heart and faith is back to battle it trying to control me. I am too young to "be dead" in my years. I may not be able to run fast, nor ride the horse with my kiddo--but my past sorrow butt can watch her--as she smiles so big knowing I have many years to come with her-all glory, praise and honor to our Lord, Savior, Best Friend---Jesus Christ.
We all have our fallbacks. That was my first harsh one that scared me. I won't let this pain take over His plans. You all are too precious to me--and I want to meet you all in months and years to come!! Keep your faith shining, thru every ache and pain. He loves you more than you can imagine!!
Love to you all!!

The Glory of God Forever!!

Heather (Hetty) Siebens

http://www.twitter.com/AliveinMe
http://www.Facebook.com/AliveinMe
http://hiswill4me.blogspot.com/
http://heather4christ.blogspot.com/
hcbenz777@gmail.com
hetty4jesus@yahoo.com
lastbrainsurgery@aol.com

Hebrews 4:12-13 For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God. Everything is naked and exposed before his eyes, and he is the one to whom we are accountable.

Hebrews 4:14-16 So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to what we believe. ¹⁵ This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for he faced all of the same testings we do, yet he did not sin. ¹⁶ So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

My "Baby girl" Tory Moriah Siebens

So Young She Saved Me

2010-10-17T19:40:00.003-04:00

Tory & Mommy

Only way I was able to raise Tory on my own for years, and have intense PTSD, was all because of Jesus whom I didn't know yet then... but was beginning to. It didn't take the tempting of the Devil--it took close to death to awaken me to His love, life here, plans, and trust. I was giving in to Satan, but Christ had too many plans for Tory, Christian and I to let me throw them away.
He could have kept beating me so hard I wouldn't be here....
I could have kept up on all my pill overdosing with no care, that I wouldn't be here....
I couldn't have had such an amazing angel child that almost guided me at 2 what to do!!!
She keeps me alive....with my faith, my love, my health.... Love to my Tory who made miracles happen.... my ex sign away.

Here is a a quick video to let you know a small point of my Oct 19th masquerade ....

This one was all about me, as for I was still searching and had no clue life was about someone amazing! It takes these BIG hits, sometimes, continual...sometimes bigger to awaken to why He formed you, with plans before you were even in your mother's womb. This is the moment we have seek Him to get thru our "but's, and how dare they's, or why's or when is..?" We seek Him once we get the glimpse, cause I can -He IS THE ANSWER. And He will hold your hand thru every winding road yet to come.

He will lift you high-thru all your trials.... walk you thru all the desert roads. But soon He will be holding your hand tight, up high, on the mountain of God. Smiling what He has ALWAYS gotten you thru.

God bless each of you, know He is holding you tight every step, leap, and/or moan....

He is teaching us so much, we are just to open up our hearts and souls for Him!

In His Love,

Heather

In Comparison

2010-10-04T03:39:00.000-04:00

Isn't everything compared these days? The house. Yes, what area do you live in, and then, making sure it is the top area that you also have one of the top three models of homes located in the perfect area of a street where you will have perfect view, and little sound. RIght? That always happens. Then the car. If you don't have the top notch, from out of this country car of course... you make sure it is somehow permanently at the car detail, or just people always miss you pull in and out of the garage. Cause that is just another "LOVE" of America today. Then it drops down to smaller but must haves best name brand clothes, huge gaudy jewelry even at a young age, and real Rolex and Gucci watches--PLEASE before fourteen years old.

Do I really mean all of that up there? No. But the fact is most of America and further on do. To the point that we lose love for what and who we she have all our hearts given to. I can type this all with knowledge as for MOST of what I typed above was from my childhood. We lived in a family, that yes, loved us completely. But as they grew more and more greens, the more and more they showed it was by sharing it openly. Then when marriage issues came about, to help coddle us was to give, give and give. Or was that to buy us in case of divorce? Either way it wasn't true heart.

If we want to use the true heart, we have to push that money aside, take our watches off, open our hearts and talk. Have time with family, kids, husbands, wives. Or you have to envision a very silent household having nothing much to talk about accept bills, or "and honey, did you take the trash out." Ultimately, money became each persons "friend" or "lover" ..one that took place of ever needing one to talk with or have common with. As for now everything one was dreaming about is already there, handed over on even a non special day. Not having to work for it, or wait for a special occasion. Then what will ever satisfy more if always been given, over given, literally needs no more? If a child their attitudes are usually molded thru this. And if you can't, as a parent give more-scary part is...they will usually look older and elsewhere for who can. If it is adult to adult (married couple) it is the usual-if the one providing all of this, which isn't looked at it like providing any longer--but as "wha't deserved and expected." That person doesn't wait patiently and kindly, they usually have high pitched, negative, tear apart "their right" fight, leading to quick negative choices, thoughtless behavior looking beyond all consequences. And pick up suitcases, and usually have #1 back up relationship with similar cash in take. #2 have lawyer papers delivered, with high alimony, retirement, percentage of housing etc on her side.

All of that above was around my life. I am here to say it is far away now. It made such a great positive impact on me as a child, even though I did not know Jesus. My husband today has always had his stress points of wanting to make more money here, and there etc-for me, for us. He had a time when we were dating, he was going thru a collapse of his company because of his divorce that he just spilled out all this stress to me, not sure what he could ever ever provide. I smiled. Now he grew up knowing Jesus, and I had just found Jesus in a drastic way about 8 months when he said all that. But I was on fire. And I remember his long e-mail of stress, and I e-mailed him back saying money isn't what matters to me AT ALL... I'd rather have Jesus, him, and Tory in the middle of the desert in AZ, at 135 degrees, with hot wind blowing a tumbleweed by--and still have all our love THERE, no matter what we didn't have with it, Jesus, us and love is what matters in order to be happy-and be happy to share His love to others. Those were pretty big words coming from small me, past wealthy family, just found Jesus a bit ago. But it doesn't matter. It is His plans. His love that lights us up.

And that is where His plan came from providing me with this amazing husband today--that lights me up!! He doesn't just light me up, of course he lights our kiddo Tory up. But he lights my family, his, his work, my doctors-so many. As for he is a truthful, kind, humble, caring man-who shows it to all in a Godly way. And forever I am blessed with him, and forever I will praise..... HIM!!

This may have been long.... and in a strange set up-but it is clear to me from my childhood life #1 (and what today is) to how I am living today!!

Love is precious and should never be taken for granted. It is way more rich than any ring of TV or car. And with my husband Christian Siebens @flyingchristian , I am very wealthy forever, no matter what!

To God Be the Glory!

Heather Siebens

Wealth

2010-09-18T02:11:00.000-04:00

How Much?

Ecclesiastes 5:10 Those who love money will never have enough. How absurd to think that wealth brings true happiness!!

So what is that amazing true love to you? What do you find your focus on in need of always? Something or someone you can't live without?

With me my first amazing love goes straight to me Creator-for bringing me here to learn love, and show it. That is my other part of love-I love my husband Christian Siebens beyond understanding-just an amazing click. And my daughter will always be more than any daughter to me-she is extra special. We went thru some tide together in life with my psychotic ex, but I kept her peaceful, loving, excited for each day. She is quite on fire for Jesus, and I am so proud. My Big Bro Troy Jensen has made an endless impact on my heart-something that he never would have done before-as for he loved material things, money. That was how we grew up. But I saw how it could hurt my parents relationship then, I was not one who ever wanted it a big part of my life.

My greatest memory really is when my ex and, well became ex's due to his beating me. To clarify that-how did that benefit me? I was one to struggle, no matter how, to pay for a 1 bedroom, not the best nor best neighborhood apartment. I slept on the floor, with a lamp with no shade. That was classic. But Tory had her stuff, thanks to my parents. And we had the closest relationship thru it all. Nothing took our attention off each other-that is what I loved.

If I role play, happily married to a wealthy man, frequently gone on business trips-but brings in major dough for the kid and I-even gifts chosen...which would I choose? Believe it or not, with Jesus in our household focus-the one above. I've lived thru both-and most get drawn in, expect more, "need" more, want more, demand more... then all get hurt or defensive if it isn't reached. Humbleness is gone.

It isn't a criminal act to be well off. But you have to check yourself, before you wreck yourself--and more. I am one who wants occasional few new outfits, make-up, music, love to decorate. But overall-that happens far apart, sporadic, many are gifts to me in time. I do take the excited adventures when I feel well and go places amazing, trips etc. But I am more of a giver. Receiving is wonderful. But it feels amazing for the heart when you give.

So the battle of wealth. Do you find yourself looking at many others angry wondering why that isn't you? Or your car, your house etc? How much longer will you be made to work questions? The blessing is life is about the heart, not about something man made later in life that makes the heart thump with anxiety. The heart is God made just for you and me. It is in us-spreads throughout our whole body--our BRAIN!!!! SO we should know this!! Using our heart more for just a kiss is a big move. It is a must. Really teach it to love-everything it has, able to give, excited over family and friends, using it to reach out to others-use your heart for so much. For being you. For all you have had, have, and are today. For today is what matters-God only knows what tomorrow holds.

I bring this up because I have been around those who have struggled financially in life-went from rich to poor. And know have this bitterness, anger. None of it seems "fair" to them. Nothing in life in all comparisons would be fair. But sadly, everyone notices money issues to be most drastic more than deathly illnesses that kill young kids. That flies by many like this, with a "that is just ridiculous" an angry attitude there too... but no comfort. No heart. The heart will not change if they won the lotto-it does not by what the heart prevails in... love always. First few days would be giddy-but would fade-no Jesus, and no heart.

Money is not the answer to life. We can live thru it, that God. But isn't the answer. Jesus is-and He will lay all answers out for you as you keep walking His walk, whole heartedly-for Him, not money. God only knows what He has in store for you!

Love you all!!

In His Love,

Heather

Mc Prodigal Amazement

2010-08-31T15:51:00.001-04:00

This is for my dear friend, mentor Richard Mayhan @McProdigal. He is so transparent, goes deep in subject then brings it to the surface thru the love and heart of our Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ
He is so humble-placing others obstacles in life first. He tries to really understand them as if he lived it out. Most of all he has been thru obstacles never ashamed about-therefore he can talk, listen, pray, lift, console, understand, and gather others to pray that you will have no idea about!! His heart is amazing for the love of Christ.... please connect if not--and if ever looking for anyone in counseling/church--he rocks up in New Hampshire!! Otherwise, catch him on here!!!
God bless you all for praying--helping me see some purpose. Pull me out of this mud. It is still so hard everyday-but it is more and more in Christ's hands again, not mine.

God bless-with humble thanks....

Hetty (Heather) @AliveinMe @Time4Christ http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe

PS... and the Counting Crows started their first major album in 1993-debut 91...no 80's my friend!! :)

Man on the Moon

2010-08-27T14:28:00.000-04:00

I guess there are times that I had felt that in the year 2000--on... but it has been a while. Twas a great song, but I would've gone to NASA if that was my true choice. Overall, I was not a "space" girl. Instead Jesus brought me to Him in tough times. One was divorcing my ex who beat me...he loved space. Instead I make the "woMan on the moon" by overdosing Phenobarbital to ease that pain...keep it on the "high" side. Just get an exciting feeling or right to do. (whether true by space shuttle or moon to "get High otherwise") Excitement of them are not in my deck of cards today. But the song is amazing, as well as what came thru it all in my life of it.
I would just like to hit no pain, in which will bring happiness again. So I can dance with my hubby, play in aggressive ways with my kiddo-and answer all phone calls etc..... Right now, I have zero energy, no pain relief and so much more.... and family to please. That isn't going to happen.
Overdosing was my choice before in life. But I found the extreme pain. The hurt. The loss. The slight numbness or high it would give you-then it leads to misery and at least near death.
I sit back and follow these amazing doctor rules that do nothing for pain, makes you wonder where tomorrow is.
But I can also see how all this extreme action, again on me brings Him Glory. I see someone who loves me dearly speaking of God more than I have lately-I think God cleaned him up to an amazing soul, now has him beginning to lecture pro Jesus talk like me-just boosting me now. I see this persons life changed, and for that I am grateful. Only Christ can do that-sometimes thru visual of loved ones. And that all pain is worth it.
My life revolves around Jesus, Christian, Tory and Troy-and one missing would make me snap more. So stay close. Know I need you all---not that Man on the Moon.......not me high...need me fixed and the real Jesus working on it.
So all I can see is a small reason. Otherwise if His Heaven is what we are waiting for in these extremes-there are easier ways to find them then suffer, and make others live in misery. His plans for me are thru suffering. I don't know why, but I am re-trying to grip.
He has plans-I just pray mine is still wellness on earth.

In His Love,

Heather

Revelation 22:12-13 "See I am coming soon, and my reward is with Me, to repay all according to their deeds. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."

Video "Lamimin" Louie Giglio-AMAZIING

2010-08-14T12:03:00.002-04:00

Are We Numbered?

2010-08-11T14:44:00.000-04:00

ISAIAH 40:26-31

Look up into the heavens.

      Who created all the stars?
   He brings them out like an army, one after another,
      calling each by its name.
   Because of his great power and incomparable strength,
      not a single one is missing.
    O Jacob, how can you say the Lord does not see your troubles?
      O Israel, how can you say God ignores your rights?
    Have you never heard?
      Have you never understood?
   The Lord is the everlasting God,
      the Creator of all the earth.
   He never grows weak or weary.
      No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
    He gives power to the weak
      and strength to the powerless.
    Even youths will become weak and tired,
      and young men will fall in exhaustion.
   But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
      They will soar high on wings like eagles.
   They will run and not grow weary.   They will walk and not faint.

My mailbox is empty-does that mean I am gone. All my illnesses, one lead to another. With treatments-large ones like 3 brain surgeries led to other types and remedies and so many medications you'd wonder how I am still here now. Does this mailbox mean I am now gone? Does this empty mailbox just mean He has taken me early-maybe earlier than plan? For all my struggles brought on myself, not hearing Jesus for 26 years... while overdosing during the year to find Him? Does He pull time in life back for not being perfect, or not attempting much "good" to fix the larger problems we create?
Does Christ have just chosen ones anyway, that if you aren't on it, no matter how hard you try as a late blooming believer-it would be worthless, you aren't on His chart? Does He have pull backs when after you have become a strong walker with Christ, but had tough times and had a cold heart the "why God" the "how could You" or "I think I have to throw in my towel" ... does God truly shut off your entrance code with just those words

Never hearing about Jesus while young-til adult and confused.
Family had hurting time as a child, sad, anger, no Jesus either
first husband and I eloped-told no one. He also told me nothing of his belief in Christ.
He tried to shove this unknown Jesus stuff down my throat-shove harsh--I rejected it BIG.
He cheated on me when I began to try a little bit of Jesus. 9 mos of marriage 1st adultery hit.
We broke up and made up-moved away over a dozen times in 4 years. One thing that kept us together happily on my end-aggitated on his, was "our" child... now mine--born 4/17/2001
When I got pregnant-the night we were planning divorce, it through his other plans out of action. Both our life took a whirlwind-I got sick. I could no longer work. My life was on hold. My seizures were out of control. He was very angry-put his plans out of play.
When my child was born he just hated me more, and the surrounding more. When I took Tory on the plane to AZ to be with my family, he did not fight much.
He came back when he had to go into the Army to keep my insurance going. Away for bootcamp-with many girls known while I was ill. Stationed in Ft Hood, happily while I raised Tory sick. But He was angry when we showed up after my 1st brain surgery to TX.
He didn't think we'd really come. 4th night there-Oct 6th 2002-He beat me. And that was my turn. Starting point for when I know I needed more.
I first turned big time to my phenobarbital. Larger and larger quantities. Then on moodiness I took more to "help" it.
When I began dating my husband today-we wound up in my bad situations because I always OD'd before he'd come-ease nervousness of this wonderful "too good" of guy, pain of the other.
He turned out to be my everything.
Tory began to love him as Dad at 2.
As I searched for Jesus and dated afar-the OD'ing got out of control-to the point even with all the amazement thru His Word-it took this big KNOCKDOWN in Oct 19, 2003 --that should have taken my life, but He so heard my cry.
His heart led to Christian Siebens giving his heart totally to me-me totally to Jesus. As I learned so much from afar from Christian-my level of knowledge was around a 7ish and his was about a 2. He was excited for me, amazed, but deeply kind of embarrassed -which can be a good thing in this topic.
And thru all of this, Jesus, learning, Christian's hand, prayer, psychology, church for me weekly, bible study every week when Christian moved down to Phoenix and started going to all with me--and he felt the Holy Spirit after 36 of knowing and mostly going to churches-this was the first time.
Before he married me he walked thru more health complications-unbelievable amounts with epilepsy, medication radical side effects, 2nd brain surgery, 1 kidney found to work 80% worse back then (98% now) and dealing with the end of my divorce, my forgiving, and being kind to the man who beat me. But he married me: October 6, 2007 (exactly 5 years after my ex beat me-to make it a blessed day!) Married at our church in Chandler, first one I ever went to-feeling the Holy Spirit-hearing His Word, feeling the power of prayer. What has happened?
What amazed me is this::: I was in the ER --and pretty much every one they had they sad were on me. And I went from some ability of verbal skills, to severely dropping quick-thinks started to flash as they began the charcoal down my throat I went into coma for 24 hours-without gag reflex for time after. It was waking up from all of that-all that went on that gave me some personally feeling of fixation of probs by doing this. I had learned this over the year-and I did, I cried out to Jesus when I awakened. Called out to Him to give me another chance-I have to much to live for-too much that are amazing for Him, and I was appointed their mom-Please! Jesus drew me close those 10 days.::I can still call Him Dad--and my Christian my husband! So many amazing answers in life.
I was in and out of the hospital from then on. Never what we had always dreamed I turn closer to being. And everything has just worsened, when I thought 2006 was the worse one-or 2008 was the top one...2009...every year was multiple times, not just once. Then 2010 finally rolled around-and I had the team of Twitter and Facebook all over prayer, phone calls, gifts, love, visits... and that love started in my 2009 stay---God bless you all. Praise you God.

So I hate ever complaining to all you amazing people-but you need to know why I am MIA. This time around was different. They aren't positive what the outcome will be-or if in fact it is half illness/half from 3rd brain surgery-but so many things have gone in the air. We have to go to a new clinic near Philadelphia-where we just moved. My family is all my Mayo family in AZ--but we will see what the change will do.

I had first so many outpatients I can't count that high. I had an outside valley doc tell me multiple illness that he saw-that he needed me to have looked at right away, but 15 miles from Mayo, I wouldn't choose others in the Valley if it would have been a fake diagnosis. But no good determinations from any outpatient testing. Deeper Tests-none again. In-patient for over a week right before I moved so we could see if quick odd tests could show much, if not, they were testing ways to calm my pain-so I could while I was moving and first here in Philly start looking for a neuro an answer from God is this is it-or if this is really just the end... etc...

All of this has sure caused handicap with me-making me feel like a useless, awful parent and wife and sister. But my brother and little girl do so much good for me--and my husband is now learning. It isn't as simple to me -excruciating -never ending, as opposed to my seizures I get, get thru, get over, got on with it. There were tough parts like driving, headaches etc.... but nothing like death that I ever felt would occur, no matter the small statistics.

The top part really of this illness isn't even telling people about it-or having people ask about it. Tough part is for both my husband and I. I look for some sort of comforting or empathy, and that is far from what is/was there from Him. With Epilepsy, I was able to be more of a take it on myself. Not whine. Don't baby me.BUT This whole body attack is another illness. I can hardly do one simple movement, lift, make meal, dress, take child out for fun, put on my own clothes, awful memory, severe pain so can't get up and down new homes beautiful stairs all over, can't sleep well from pain.... etc etc all in which knock down my psychological standing-feel in need for my AZ psychologist here every hour!!! But it is even harder when the man you married who is your everything, thinks he is doing things right again by just backing off--coming toward me only if he needs or requires something. That worsens it all in my heart. I begin to wonder who I am married to now-who forgot how to be there for me. As he is there for himself and this amazing new workforce. We've been proud for his new job for 5 weeks. But now with as much as this has worsened-he must be scared it will take his dream away. It won't. It may take one-me-so enjoy the lovingly wife while you can.....
We just had a week of getting thru to each other-how life has changed, and it wasn't changing well in our relationship-love in it was vanishing--changing how we live it, want it, know about each other, conquer it all. Once the big talk my big brother helped us with-my hubby and help from extraordinary friends who care on Facebook-We still love each other more than before. Understanding both sides.

We all have things to change, for ourselves, friends, work, of course our dear spouse---then Finally-Jesus Christ we double check we changed for in the beginning, middle and end. Christ doesn't kill us.. makes us bigger, stronger ready for His time to take us back. Even when we feel so weak-we won't there!

Last.... have you thought about yours? Has Jesus accepted you yet even-to your best of knowledge? If you died tomorrow, would you hit the To Heaven Truck or be left on a very below southern route?
Have you ever sat back and watched your own life you live, if played by someone else, NO WAY they could handle it, most demand to change parts.

Sometimes it is a few bad days-but more awful your attitude or life issue. You overall have a solemn attitude or rude, and several chunks of tough days, with any ways to make it better on your own, if Jesus especially does no good quick. Is it correct still with Jesus? Or if you also found Him late in life--wouldn't that like minus the correct chunks of tough days allowed once accepted? Jesus is a walking fast calculator!! Or is all of this true... we are allowed to find Him when we do--as He is part of that plan... great portion of tough times are needed to grow closer to needing Him. And we are just to try to keep walking as tight as possible, knowing we will fall--with goal of just becoming more and more like Him.
Then there are the lifetimers with few troubles. Are they really watched over because it is an acceptance way sooner than another-or is that person weaker to share His word thru suffering?
How hard it is to be like Him. To know His plans. Sometimes it is just easier to not really know which date given, which hospital illness all have said--you just wait for Christ to bring you home--and pray for less suffering. I know I get cranky with Him--but He is still there for me!!! I love you all on Facebook and twitter....and @TroyJensen my big brother taking care of us all.... my daughter Tory....
And never ending love thru it all as we learn.... Christian Siebens @flyingchristian
On top of all---thank You for holding us all so tight... dear Jesus!!! You ARE our ALL IN ALL! I know you don't count a thing-You keep us on our toes for YOU. You know why illnesses occur and if they can flee. God I pray to You, one of them is me---to keep sharing Your love and Word.

In Your Name Jesus,
Heather

Giving My "Keys"

2010-07-22T12:33:00.000-04:00

If you confirmed with Jesus He had the keys, completely to my life... wouldn't you look at this picture of me and double think all this "trust" stuff?? I sure as heck know I WOULD! Cause whatever the keys are for, is something sad, slow, and dangerous with health and living. But who are we to pick how we want Him to plan our lives? We can pray-and He answers so many, IN HIS WILL. But some just aren't. Or sometimes are, but just temporarily --and that can be discouraging.

But who are we to plan, who are we to slam our fists and say "NO, this won't happen...." He wants us to be humble, loving, and trusting. In all circumstances-with faith. He wants us to clap our hands and praise Him when well... and when in the at home, in the hospital, ANYWHERE, suffering. Cause we, as sons and daughters of our Lord-we should all know the amazing life we have thru Him now-and the one to come!!! With all He did for us in suffering--and not in a "spoiled" life, but during a very tough life-shows how much endless love He has for us. As He gave His life for us knowing the cost-His body, His life that could have been "fun" but instead was for His Father, for US. How unselfish is that!!!?? Placing all He knew to come, and even totally screw up along their way--but He gave His everything so He could be our SAVIOR. One to reach to always in need-always in tears-in anger and fear-in laughter-most of all----ALWAYS. He is our everything to reach to, cling to, listen to, follow, trust and love always. And when we get off that track, our plans do too. His plans for us-which out-do our plans by everything-are paused, until we look back to Him and get back on His track-GIVE HIM OUR KEYS FOR HIS FULL CONTROL, GUIDANCE---and listen to His answer to our prayers.

His plans outweigh all. So listen for Jesus. Don't listen to others. Open your ears to friends who talk thru His love and guidance, so more will make sense when He gives you His answers!!! Prayer to Him rocks!! And is amazing thru friends who are also tight with Christ. This I know, as I type from Mayo Hospital, flooded with prayers from amazing friends from twitter and Facebook, AZ to PA and all over USA and beyond!!! You all mean so much to me thru Him. I apologize if I have been snappy-- but I hadn't been listening to Jesus closely. Some amazing music by Ed Kowalczyk lifted me off my pity party-had me open my Bible and reach to all of you with such dear prayers. I thank you all...

And Scott Norris ... you know the words you said changed so much of my focus.. God bless you!!

I am re-giving Jesus my Keys to everything--so He, the Head of everything in my life, can show me where we are going!!!! He took my pain and anguish--as He jumped in the drivers seat... WOW!! Praise HIM!

All of you have gifts, and are gifts from Jesus.... God bless you!!!

In His Love,

Heather

1 Peter 4:10

God has given each of you a gift from His great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.

John 16:33

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in Me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

Utter Pains and Blessings

2010-07-10T23:15:00.000-04:00

Makes you wonder, which side of the bench YOU are going to be on... and always makes you wonder at times--which one JESUS is on!!!??? Or are you jumping just into a line of a ton of never ending "traffic" ... "issues" ....
We all go thru ebbs and flows... just gosh, at times, seems like the extremities of all hard times are never coming back from drowning sea. And that is how it has been for me, personally-2 mos after my very successful 3rd brain surgery.
1595-William Shakespeare, Love's Labour's Lost, iv 3
As true we are as flesh and blood can be: The sea will ebb and flow, heaven show his face.
I got boggled down with, yes, the extreme weird foot pain, that over a couple weeks turned into extreme body pain. But then it has turned into extreme body changing pain. Different areas. Quickly in the day, quickly changes place. And it never settles. My brother is able to sit across the room and watch me react, unknowingly, in extreme body movement from extreme body pain. Just jolts. And many tears have flowed. The brain surgeries were so much simpler. Everything in life, which has never been simple as an adult, has been simpler than this. So I sit and ask myself-I ask God... "Seriously, is there a reason... or do You just hate me..."
Now I know the Truth. I know He loves me. I know without Him, this would have killed me long ago. In reality, I would have killed myself long ago. But He has His plans. It is just so hard to hang on. Another day is out of control. My child is out of school and I am useless-so it feels. My family just doesn't have "me..." And I really don't even want to feel wanted, cause I just don't even feel like ME!!!
But thru all of this, Jesus throw a loop for our family. That still brings joy thru all the pain and tears, and Lord knows my anger. My hubby got such an amazing incline in the work he does, with an amazing company located in a city I have lived before. We are, as a family moving to Philadelphia around the 22nd of July-- if not sooner... along with my amazing brother too--whom does so much for me, my family. So with this amazing news, and start-that has so many Jesus signatures ALL OVER IT... along with my dragging never ending illness-you have to lay back and see that obviously, it is still in His grip-with more molding-IN HIS TIME TO COME. I am praying, and holding on. While thrilled for my husband.
I just try not to com-bust, over the pain, nor the side effects that the medication daily. That has horrific side effects that make my able to use one eye well, forgot myself, forget all my verbal language unless given EXTRA TIME to think, and forget where I am even heading to get something-when I get there.... but I know it has tiny tiny bit of help. Not sure if enough to keep taking it. But when I pull some, the pain comes back twice as bad. Such a give and take. I thought the weight gain in the beginning was bad-that was the joy. I have never been bigger than 110... so this was odd... but I am waiting for it all to be worth every issue it causes.
So I am still hanging on... gripping Jesus tight. I know He blesses me every day-even when I don't show or give love back. SO unconditional...... I will keep moving forward with HIM with all we have to look forward to... in Philly, and one day-with HIM.

In His Love,
Heather

2 Corinthians 1:7
We are confident that as you share in suffering, you will also share God's comfort.

Re-Reflecting and trying to understand, Part 2

2010-07-01T19:41:00.000-04:00

Here to share my story-my faith thru it all....

Do we count the days that are good or bad? Or do we reflect, be thankful and continue on the way God has planned for us? Don't you get stuck in ruts that you look back at what happened, circumstances or what you pulled and kind of get stuck wallowing? Trying to figure it all out? I sure have. For many years. But I also, thankfully with HIS patience have been shown how everything turns out for Good-in His time, with our faith-His Love.
Every one I talk to, wanting to know about my past, my trials, why I have such faith--if they don't know me in person or by picture think I am at least in my 50's. That is because I chose a more complicated road to find Christ. Have had a lot of trials. I was presented all amazing wonder about His truth when I was healthy at 19--but my rocky marriage and pride got in the way. It was MY WAY. That is when Jesus gently started "tapping" me. From flat tires on the way to see wrong men- to rolling my car, but stepping out unharmed. He was honestly holding me tight from destruction of not finding Him one day-by putting a stop to a lot of things. When I just thought it was an irritating day, or some 'idiots" fault for leaving destructive materials in the freeways.
Then after how many break ups of my first marriage and different men during-he blessed me with pregnancy of my beautiful child I have today... while we were out planning divorce. We stuck it out, but it led to destruction-as for no one stepped up to the plate of needing Christ to make it happen. That was greatly needed for care and understanding on both sides-as for my seizures flew out of control and we weren't used to that. And that threw his plans of schooling out of line. Anger built up more. More wrong between us both. Instead of having a hand at all hospitalizations-I had someone with anger. When I was in for my 1st brain surgery in 2002-it looked promising. And it was. Until my baby and I moved to where my husband then was stationed-2 mos after the surgery. We got to Texas-four days after-he beat me...which led to my confusion, tears, and overdosing for my first answer-nearing death several times.
My husband today came into my life even more. He was rather confused. Always thought the times he saw me and I was so high, then crashed for hours was just epilepsy related. He has no background in family of health issues. Led to quite the course of confusion, tears, a break-up, and trying to share and understand. His heart sure went out to me. And my daughter. But he knew he couldn't fix whatever was wrong. We fortunately dated from afar-which helped keep things still sparkling on my sane days.
I lost my first job-trying to make money to support my baby and I, on our own. I wanted nothing to do with my ex, who was fortunately for us-stationed in Iraq right after he beat me. Gave me time to get thru it all-drastically. When I hit more depression other than what that was causing in my life-his beating me-I would pop more of my anti-seizure medication to numb that pain. And then it led to whenever I had to deal with my ex-I would pop ridiculous amounts. I had no one near me to talk to. One blasted night I saw this church sign (I go there still!) --my color purple-Cornerstone. I began to go. I went for 4 months without talking to a soul-just trying to get comfortable with it all-and understand it-and feel what others did. I had many nights it threw me into tears. Many nights I went blasted-but still felt "something." Sort of like cleansing me. I finally approached someone to talk about it all-all the Jesus stuff, and all I was going thru. To this day we are friends. Ever so thankful. It was from that day I was fighting to get well....
I had this wretched conversation with my ex, on the 18th of October 2003--all of a sudden he didn't "recall" his beating me October 6, 2002--even with military pics taken.... I blew up. I was hurt.
I "fixed" that the human way-not thru Jesus. I popped every pill and saved up pills for months for a bad day. I was blasted in hours that day-which I should not be here typing anymore--as for how much it was. I was taken to my hospital-where they pumped my stomach-and right before I hit coma-Jesus heard me crying--saying I wanted to change this. Needed His help. And little over 24 hours later-I did wake....which started a whole new outlook and health battle for me... all for His glory.
Many think they accept Jesus and all will be wonderful that day forward. That isn't the case. He molds us. Watches us try more to walk in His footsteps-with stumbles in between. He holds His hand out in every trial-and we have the choice to love Him and take it, or be bitter and turn. And the more I learned to grab His hand-the more I learned that His plans were amazing.
I went thru so many-uncountable medication changes. Seizures. HUGE ones in front of my baby girl, alone. And others for all to see. But the best part is, I grew up strong-knowing that as long as I took it on well, others would too. Never rejected, just cared for. Always a strong girl.
My divorce was taking a long time, because he was overseas and also-God wanted me to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As well as it gave me and my husband now, time to grow together-understand each other, growing with Jesus. And it was amazing. He had to adjust to me not being well, a great portion of the time as we searched for answers. He got to help me with me 2nd brain surgery-as my fiance. Which was a lot for him to take on. He watched my, now our little girl while I was there.
Thru all the years of battling for answers since 1st brain surgery- we found more and more health issues getting in the way for medication to work. My absorption of many vitamins and iron were almost completely MIA. Which increases seizures and health. I got hit with the height of TMJ-jaw out of place for weeks, the severe RLS-up all night. Which both make it hard --impossible to sleep-which causes seizures. I have one kidney that almost completely doesn't work-reason for pain on certain meds. And I have air in my salivary gland-- which might make you laugh. Then there was great depression at times--where you cry never ending, no reason. And famous severe migraines. But thru all this-I finally figured it out. In 2009, when I hit the hospital hard-hardly able to walk, had to be carried to the bathroom... we looked for MS, cancer etc with my blood work. But that wasn't it. It was lack of Vitamin D and Iron, ferritan level-had injections and that leveled back to normal. My seizures were still there-but I was ever grateful to Jesus it wasn't MS or cancer. I hit my Bible twice as hard and shared it with all. Twittered to the world-reaching out to help others. Took my mind off ME--placed it on Jesus and others. And that whole year, while we waited for a date for third brain surgery, as for my body couldn't take 32 pills anymore-I focused on HIM. And He blessed me in HIS timing... a year later. With a surgery date-- and a successful one!!! One that was done AWAKE!! There for 15 nights... but healed so quick-with so much support here-and from twitter. I thank Jesus so much.
I am now seizure free. I never thought that would be hard. I have to adapt to the fact that I missed out on a lot. I look at pictures from my past at the glitches of time I was temporally well-and thank Jesus for that, yet am sad it wasn't long. My long term memory is so vivid it is all like yesterday-so it is adjustment.
Thru both my husband's trust and mine-we gained so much. An amazing marriage, and Tory is now his. Biologically was born to my ex, but he came in so late in her life, he stepped out. God saw how strong our marriage was, our faith... and still open to my ex-yet He decided what was best. And I received a step out phone call last year as I was waiting on my surgical date. All in a year. AMEN!
The change in all of this is... he has an amazing new step up in a new company for his career. It is located in a city I love, and we both look forward to so much with my family. We will be across this US of A from AZ to PA, Philadelphia!!! And I am thrilled! However it is a weigh and balance or wonderful news, and tough stuff too. At the same time.. I got struck down with a NEW illness. One that doesn't have a name. One that doesn't have a cure yet. Just has a ton of tests, and a billion attempts to lessen the pain. And that is almost impossible. This illness, I will say, has been actually worse than my epilepsy-and I am totally conscience. Perhaps it would be better if I wasn't--that is how excruciating it is. I had a week of big "Where are You-God's" going... and "perhaps He is on vacation with ME's" also.. But I know He is not. I know He has the power to rid of this any time... I just also know He has a reason for everything... and He is holding me tight thru this whole walk. I have my human ups and downs... but He has the LOVE and the ANSWERS.... and blesses me each day.
Fortunately He had my doctors at Mayo prescribe some miracle items-such as the TENS. That device sure does help the nerves feel better-Praise Jesus. I can look back and still see how well taken care of I was-my daughter was by our Lord and Savior, during some rocky times I had. And understand there is always a purpose-and I am just here to share my story and faith. He is never on "vacation...." He is ALWAYS right beside us... with plans, and never-ending love!

God bless you all...

In His Love,

Heather Siebens
@AliveinMe

2 Corinthians 1:6-7 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

Love is amazing

2010-06-25T03:40:00.000-04:00

God is more interested in your future and your relationships than you are. ~Billy Graham

I never knew Jesus had all these "plans" for me... as for I never knew about Jesus until I was 19... never accepted Him until I was on deaths door at 26. But it doesn't matter to me what it takes, as long as we get to Him. All is worth it. Sometimes we just have some really drastic stories about our pokes and taps from Him, trying to get our attention.. to love Him back.

Sad part, but also a blessing... is that we can have loved ones-the ones whom we are blessed with, run after us trying to get our attention. They can be so much more drastic and obvious-in our face-more so than God. It can actually be annoying for some, but also is a blessing He created us to be like-so we aren't so dumb-founded on human to human love. He created this amazing other half for me-but how would I know, if one of us wasn't a mouthy one, open, like me? And one wasn't so sweet, loving, complete giver who showered with love, sweet little gifts to show love, even from afar-like my husband Christian. It is sort of like the obvious need, physically, no matter what God said, about the apple. Adam and Eve said a big "Uh uh!! This is our way, we don't hear You out there...." And took what they physically saw-and were drawn to. We now have them to thank for our fashionable clothing....

But without our human gift of open, obvious, face to face love-life would sure be different. He blessed us with the ability to share our love with others, in a way we love to praise Him-express our love to Him thru worship. We can't yet physically touch Him, but He gives us that desire and need with people here--thru love He teaches. And I personally praise Him for that. Love is amazing. And you can't just get it anywhere. You have to start with your heart---filled with His love--so you can really share amazing love with others. And that was the amazing click of my husband and I today.

We were first dating when I was searching for Jesus. But everything was "reformed" when I had finally hit rock bottom. He had seen me at my lowest of lows. He had seen me unable to awaken from bottles of Phenobarbital overdosed, to numb my pain of my last marriage-ex who beat me. I was trying to get thru that myself. When I was finding out slowly-it wasn't for ME to get ME thru. It was for Jesus to get me thru. To give all my worries and cares to Him. His plans will unfold, and comfort will surround me. And as I was learning this--my heart was awakened. And love for all was alive!!! My boyfriend then, husband today, took a new route with me---an amazing route... The Jesus Christ--BEST FRIEND route. And that was when our love for each other just bloomed like no tomorrow-even here in Phoenix, AZ!!! :) We were living for and thru HIM... not just each other!! Now that is love!

Was amazing to watch Him work thru our living and learning more about Him, together, and each other thru Him. That is what kept us always in love, no matter what. No matter what money issue, which hospital stay, or illness add on. Love thru Christ is amazing. Is an amazing plan HE HAS FOR YOU... we just have to open our hearts up thru Him, to help it happen sooner than later.

Love is more than it ever sounds. Truly a direct gift from Jesus. Easier to love those you see. But when you really get to know Him, and have had amazing love in your life---you understand who it is to love ALWAYS the most, FOREVER. As for He is just going to keep multiplying your love! Here, and there!

Love you all!!

Blessings!
Heather

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 Be on guard. Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong. And everything you do must be done with love.

Held Tight

2010-06-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

Talking about mistakes. Not just rude selfish mistakes, that in reality it takes two. I've had those many times too. But literally, mistakes that are deep within us-"known better," but we continue to act upon them, over and over... and all can blame whomever, or the Devil, or a tough life- but in darn reality everything, every choice is still in our hands. Free will is still our control-and we can choose to follow what is in God's line... or what is in our selfish desire.
Today, seven years ago I was sure struggling to find out who Jesus was. This was my first big hospitalization in 2003 at Mayo Hospital for my overdosing issue. It was my "answer" my "numbing pain" following my ex husband beating me October 6, 2002. I was hospitalized twice in TX for it in 2002. My neurologist, who has been with me for all my brain surgeries was guiding me, even from AZ when I was in TX back in 2002. Then I came back, and he had to deal with me face to face. But that was a gift from Jesus. As for he was actual art for the whole year of my overdosing struggles. He always saw the light in me, ready to come out and burn one day-soon. It was just taking me--my time, His time, and some help from others.
I had been searching for Jesus, dealing with ex issues, reality of what occurred, new boyfriend (husband today), raising my toddler on my own, trying to pop pills to numb pain-and hold a job.... this all was not happening. I could not hold everything together and find this whole new Heather. The one I had no idea about. One that would love Jesus. Family. Life. People. Struggles to reach out to others, wellness for excitement for family.... so much to come... and more.
But I had my first break-down June 18, 2003. My parents dropped me off up at my Mayo Hospital-my neurologist was there. My level was almost three times the level it should be, and I was not cognitive-alert. So I wasn't able to answer all the ER's questions. But my medical records are down the line of suicidal attempt, or euphoric distraction. Either way, I was the one who knew what was in the bottle-no matter what occurred to "cause" me to feel like I needed to escape or end-it was my choice, no one poured it down my throat.
I was there for two long nights. Not too much I can remember, other than my poor psychiatrist really trying to put his foot down to having me admitted to a psychiatric hospital for more long-term. And I threw a fit. Part of it was the loud, aggressive mood you get from the Phenobarbital high--dropping. Then also there was the mom in me who was roaring in an aggressive, unkind divorce-and I was not leaving my child, whom I was TRYING to raise right, with anyone who holds a fist in the air to any other human flesh. (granted, ex was in Iraq) So, we all went back and forth-and social services even stepped in-my neurologist held onto faith, and backed me up with many close appointments to see him.
My doctors did not see eye to eye-but my neurologist sure saw me hanging tight-heard my life stories, and compares to so much in personal life lived-and that is when you know God placed you somewhere exactly where He wanted you. As for I was learning more about Jesus-my Lord and Savior, and my neurologist sure supported that, but he also was this mini-training-god until I realized who was, and Who worked thru who, and why. And the beauty, when I found Christ showed even more thru every step my doc took me, thru His plans-even more, every month, every year.
It is amazing what hard times can bring. Even when they were brought on yourself-He can turn all into such beauty-His time, and teaching. We just sure have to live, learn, trust, and hold tight.... as for He held me tight the whole way-as He does you.
I thank Him for everyone who held on thru all of this. My family, my little girl, my husband-Christian .... so many-I am here. All from His glory-His plans. Our choices are just lame- all but ONE-following His whispers-His plans-Him!

In His Love,
Heather Siebens

John 14:12 "The Truth is, anyone who believes in Me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works because I am going to be with the Father."

Half Year from @jasonmitchener

2010-06-16T22:27:00.002-04:00

Six months have flown by... and not from just tons of giggles.... not just from my birthday... not just from Christmas, and shortly after-an amazing brain surgery, 3rd one for me. But one that was a bit lonely... as for I no longer had my friend to visit when healed, with updates.

No, I tried to visit 2 days after my birthday (he always remembered it) , and he had passed away nine hours prior-as I stood there gift in hand. It was a harsh unusual week of mourning, I was finally able to let my dear friend - Jason Mitchener's - death both heal thru my heart, and learn to praise HIM that Jason was no longer suffering-he was with amazing family and friends-his dad-most of all, Jesus, whom saved him, and held him strong thru so much. Jason was not any friend. He was a bright, guiding light for Christ-for all whom he spoke to, in such an elegant way. And I am ever grateful to Jesus for not having just met him on twitter-but being awakened by his words for Christ-that had me up visiting him over a year and a half ago --every two to every week.
Every visit was another chapter. Another chapter we'd start. Another chapter he'd begin from his life, and I'd share from mine... and between the two of us it formed our own chapter each visit. How many times we'd laugh, how many times we'd cry. How many times one set the other straight. How many times another lifted the other up. We were each other's backbone's brace-wouldn't let it crack, and thru Christ and faith in HIM --we would NOT be paralyzed, ill, epileptic.... we'd be free from all that. Together, we'd be well for the night as we spoke about dreams, happiness, joy, faith, friendships. Then... I, after usually about 8-10 hours, I'd have to get ready to go... we'd start the heartfelt hugs and thankfulness for each other. But then it would turn to my precious Jason pouring his heart out even more. Wondering what life "could" have been like if..... What life "should've" been like...
And Jason hated these thoughts. I hate it when I get that way. But I understood every tear, every question, any issue he ever had for a second, hour, day, etc.... as for his life was tough. I will re-link his testimony he typed for me, 2 months prior his passing. But he would never be gone too long. He'd get "down"... but we'd find him. We'd get him back out of that snap the best we could-then know Jesus had the rest in His hands. As for Jason didn't need much push, pull or challenge-his faith was the type that should be an example to many. Any one struggling-should be able to look at all his writing, music, life stories and be amazed at God's hands!! I am amazed I was able to see it all, face to face!!!
He had so many stories to share. And I will cherish every one of them. I cherish being his friend, always. I can't wait till I do see him eye to eye, and we CAN dance to the music that we love!! That will be amazing!
Jason's eyes were also like lightening... I was never the same once I met my precious friend Jason.... he showed me his amazing life that Jesus brought him thru his amazing Glory--and Jason shared that-thru my presence, my friendship, my kindness, love and care. And he always had that for everyone, and I am ever so grateful! He yearned for Him... and very much got Him-right in from of HIM-face to face!
So watch out Jason... my family and I will see you one day soon... and we can't wait to hug you, dance, talk, and PRAISE JESUS!! Love you always my precious friend!

Praying for all whom are related... his family-- Greg, my heart always goes out to you my friend... Jamie... we sure hung onto it all together.... and all at North Mountain Medical and Rehabilitation Center... many I still know-who took great care of him. Blessings prayers to all!

In His Love,
Heather Siebens

Just Passing Through (page 42)
"God isn't the type of poet who throws His unfinished poems in the trash. He loves us too much to do that. His Son's blood is the ink He uses to write each line. Such ink is too precious to waste.
When we look at our flaws and consider giving up, we need to remind ourselves that God isn't finished with us yet!

Jason Mitchener's Testimony on my site from back in October 2009... http://trialstotriumphs.blogspot.com/2009/10/jason-mitchener-humble-gift-from-god.html

Challenges

2010-06-14T20:30:00.000-04:00

All of you have been faced with a challenge... have you ever been faced with so many, that you DO feel alone?
I have.
Again, I am.
But I have come back to reality, that I AM NOT alone. And there are so many people that I know, meet, and don't know that suffer similarities, if not almost exact issues that I have woken up to how to feel for all. Not one suffering is worse than another. Cause once you complain about the one you are going thru as the worst one... or don't acknowledge well of the struggles of others to the extent that they should be... than you just may be woken up with actually feeling their pain, living thru it. I have just recently gone thru another, yes another issue that is just beyond my understanding, control, comfort.
So, after my anger, bitterness, confusion, utter pain and strife... I turned back to Jesus... for His help, as for I couldn't do it alone. If I was asked by God " Heather, would you rather go back to the epilepsy you had prior the cure for it after your 3rd brain surgery, or deal with this pain you are in-" I would have gone back to epilepsy in an instant. I knew how to handle it. I still had a "more functional" day. But I was not functional. My bones hurt so bad, and still hurt bad, that before any medication, I couldn't walk from room to room without screaming. Now I can get to another room without destruction. I can get thru a "daring" day-and pay for it the next.
But all of this has woken me to what else is out there. How all others really do suffer-it is SO REAL. It isn't just "another diagnosis" for doctors. I see the people who have something similar-and can feel it. Reach out. In addition to all I have fought/and or have as well. Wakes me up to how much is out there that I do not realize holds people back-when it helps lift them up for you to reach out and feel with them-comfort them-know their pain. In weird ways you can see the blessing from the struggles... while you do pray it dissipates.
Challenges were always something I had a gift at. But sometimes you feel like "I get them all"... "When will they end".... "I already conquered enough, isn't this the end?"
When in fact... it never "ends." There is always a "challenge." Just have to hang on, learn what we can, bust thru them with faith-see where His Glory will take you thru it all. Never alone... in fact, you are very much crowded with love.. you just have to open your heart, mind, soul to seek and accept it all that surrounds you.

Has been a real challenge for me. This wasn't my "usual" challenge. This was such a wake up call-so different and painful, that I was reminded that He IS in control-and will continue to have you seek His love and guidance, as you trust Him. We just can't forget that. And I sure can't seem to, that is for sure.

I stood up against my "challenge..." and did more against my challenge... I went to the families "Bumpy Road..." and fought my bones and muscles- and took my mind off of my pain, and placed it on family and love God has for me in the beauty of everything around us.

Blessings to you all--when faced with a challenge, know it will be comforted, touched, healed by our dear Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ thru every step of the way.

In His Love,
Heather

Hebrews 3:14 For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ.

Yo Bro....

2010-06-04T02:11:00.005-04:00

Who realizes how much their sibling means to them... as an adult? How much did you ever realize as you were growing up together? REALLY? Reason I ask is I have never been this close to my own big brother--well--our whole relationship. I personally loved him a great portion of it, but it does take two to be ready. And his heart was there... but busy with so much other. Figuring life out-with so much. The cool part... is he grew to such amazing success, during some of my severe down times--so he was very busy. He didn't know anything about it all then-as for his job was his dream-he was always busy. But he was hit with some hard times, trials... that in a weird way, were a blessing for him to find the true core soul for him-how to use his heart while becoming more than he ever was... a man whose career that brings in money--doesn't bring in selfishness, bitterness, empty heart. It brings in a heart of love and openness and sharing--giving-all he can and wants to. He loves to give from his heart that is being molded more every day.. and that is one amazing brother.
So even when we lived in the same state just a few exits on the 405n freeway--OC to LA... when we were in our 20's... I was able to visit all the time possible I could if they could. But finding them to have time-being so successful was hard. But my heart knew his heart was happy with his accomplishment then-so I never took it to heart. Always just gave it all more time.
When I was going thru tough stuff in Phoenix and he lived in LA--also going thru tough stuff for him... I was one who'd find the time to lift my head and be there for him. But he just never thought I.... I could be hurting or stressed. Or that someone "like him" could be of help to someone like me.... this is the hard part... so many feel this way. We always want your hand... even if life lived is different. When one aches-we should ache with them.... and he sure does that today.
My brother is like the best caretaker for me ever. I have been in enough tears for my illness issues. But this tops it--when my brother is there 24/7... and with such a drastic, caring heart. One that I never saw grow this big in him. It is sort of like seeing the Grinch per se... when his heart grew and grew and grew.... that is Troy Jensen. And is just amazing and something I never want to end. Completes all those amazing blessings I have been praying for.
He takes me to my appointment for the testing tomorrow. We will see how that goes. But I do know-I will be blessed either way with Troy there with me to back me up. He has been thru some medical stuff lately-and now is understanding some of my pain. His heart bleeds for me every time I have any medical issue. I try to calm him.. but he still has that "control" issue with the ones he loves so much.
One big thing is, I sit back and watch God work thru so much of everything that he endures--and I just smile. Even when his conversation is stressful-I can see it is Jesus at amazing forming of His love for Troy... so one day-Troy will know his heart will also be filled full of love for our Lord and Savior as well... Jesus Christ.... who loves him so much.... he has no idea how much yet!
This all brings me to tears... feels like a big chapter closed... moving onto other ones. But this one was tough--but rocked!!! He is my hero.... he shines thru everything... he was full of glory and success--and I praise Jesus for that!!! I had the strength to get thru all my illnesses and endure this new one with his help. I still, always had such a smile thru it all... love for Troy... knowing we would be connected as close brother and sister again, in God's timing. And for that... I am so thankful.
I love you Troy. Thank you for always having been you. You are a gift from Jesus... and I praise Him for you!!!!! My hero!!!! Off to my EMG testing at Mayo together tomorrow.... God bless you and keep you with amazing plans-and keep being the wind beneath my wings!!!
In His Love,
Heather Jensen-Siebens

Those who are enjoying something, or suffering something together, are companions. Those who enjoy or suffer one another, are not. ~C.S. Lewis

My tears of pain and love...

2010-06-01T19:09:00.003-04:00

I have hit a low pointer... when I actually bawl in front of my family. And that is so hard for me to do. But I have been trying to make it the best I can on each day of pain.. but each day I am living... and living for Him. I know He is watching over me... still has plans-even thru all of this utter pain and distress... and sadly, with one medication that was helping some of the pain-was causing some awful jamais vu. (nothing at all looked familiar-not even myself)
Pain is ferocious ..and the medication that I take daily that is actually for anti-seizures-also known for neuropathic pain-etc... I have such excruciating pain in my feet, legs, arms, wrists... and therefore very hard to function all over-doing any little thing.
But it is my goal to feel better. I have an amazing family that gives me love and support. And an amazing brother that totally feels my pain for me... and is here for me for every appointment... listening to my complaints-while noticing every ounce of pain I am in, even before I say a word. That is a cool big bro- @troyjensen with a heart.
I just got multiple phone calls from Mayo today-now that my amazing neurologist is back from business trip. He stayed in touch the whole time during this huge medical crash that surprised us both. Now I have multiple appointments, bloodwork, and tests to come again to figure out what is happening. That is an answer from God there. I pray He sends them quicker answers than it took for seizure control---a decade. Yet I also hope that 3rd brain surgery has nothing to do with the break down of my body.
Blessings to you all--thank you for all your prayers in 3rd brain surgery.. and as well as this.. Jesus does work wonders... amazing family friends, and awesome big brother on the scene-- thank you Troy Jensen!

In His Love,
Heather
1 Samuel 16:7.5 "People judge by outward appearance, but the LORD looks at a person's thought's and intentions."

Encourage me, Encourage you

2010-05-21T03:43:00.002-04:00

Hmmm.....
The funny part is, this is FAR from all my medical records.
We won't go thru Childhood-we'd need a truck then. Not that childhood was packed-but it would sure add onto how much I had in adulthood. This is only half of what I've endured at Mayo-need to get the rest still. And Mayo Clinic is only starting the 2nd year my seizures were out of control-so it is missing several doctors prior-and crazy stays.
I used to look at this pile, now mind you it was HALF this size... and think "this mountain God is too big, and I really don't think You are into this "helping me and carrying me" bit that all say You are into..." ... really.... that was how I began to feel. But I knew He was there. There was never a day I didn't shut my eyes and feel, hear or see something-whether BIG or small-from HIM letting ME KNOW--HE IS THERE. He is REAL. And He is on the climb with me---He is saddled up with me--behind me, with the TIGHT GRIP so I WON'T FALL... as I TRUST HIM. And that was all I needed, no matter what else others had to say.
Didn't matter my marriage fell apart anymore... as for I knew what He had in store, whether somehow if He really had me ready for forgiving quick was in His plan.. quick in my Christ-growing heart- it WOULD happen. And I knew if we'd be bitter human's, as it did take place-for years to come, with me FINDING HIM, GROWING CLOSE TO HIM, trying to understand it all--that would and DID happen. But so much more happened in His timing too!! And I am ever so grateful. I am marveled by His plans, every day, for everyone!!
We go thru such tough stuff. But before we know Him... there is no clear answer, no hope, no feeling it will ever end. Just a lot of bitterness... and no idea of where even to say the "why me's to!!" Where when you know, love and follow Jesus... you will feel His love thru it all... even when times get tough.... yes perhaps you will wonder "hey, Jesus, where did you go?? Are you on vacation???" But He isn't... He has His eyes, hands, and heart on you... with His wide open plans rolling--just waiting for you to reach that next bar in the race-to hand you the ribbon for that part of the race won.. but onto the "continue-never ending race" here on earth for Him.... and with that... take the baton... and run with pride!!! Knowing His plans will continue... and the bar may be lifted-- but He will help you over, each lap you keep running!! And He always has a ribbon for you!! Even if you don't make it by yourself over the bar!! You are perfect as you try all-and live life thru and for Him. Race.. well run!!!! Always when you are running with and to Him!!
We all deal with trials, tragedy, and the every day sin... but as we grow closer to Christ... we handle trials better, get thru the tragedies and are able to mourn with and to Christ, and sin less... and by our conscience that we have--our hearts feel that we broke Jesus' and repent. And that is the best feeling of all. When before, we'd keep on going, and feel numb-and that is an awful feeling. He is our amazing Creator-our Father, and loves us thru everything-unconditionally... and I am one who tries more and more to be like Him-but also know the fact He is the only perfect one. But He loves me so much-and that is just amazing.
So thru every hard moment... from adultery to wife beating to floor sleeping while a single mom in a one bedroom apartment I could barely afford... to overdosing almost taking my life... to seizures out of control... to multiple brain surgeries... and now even my daughter who has epilepsy, that breaks my heart... to the amazing hubby today who is adopting my kiddo he has raised, to forgiving my ex and asking for it as well, to conquering addiction, seizure free from 3rd brain surgery, and kiddos seizures are controlled and minor... all this and more from our GREAT AND AMAZING LORD---JESUS CHRIST... whom I thank and praise every day for His patience, love, and nudges to find Him!
And He loves you all so much too. No matter how extreme things feel. I know many who had hit the ground--and today are back into a normal home, happy, and made it thru--all because the whole time the stuck it thru with Jesus. I know many who have or have other halves that have lost their jobs, not for months, or a year... but almost a decade. One is my own father. The other is a precious friend from twitter@JesusSister http://eveningstaraglow.blogspot.com/2010/05/punched-in-gut.html -- one that amazed me as for I had no idea on detail. But look at her faith-her truth. He is smiling.
My other dear friend from Facebook Jennifer Gilmond Alger is one dear gift that I was able to speak with and hear about her trials in life. It is amazing how people are touched, amazed and moved from another's trials... yet the person THEY are amazed with are amazed at theirs!! It is the whole God knows the areas, even when we think it is too much... He knows WHAT areas He can have us grow strength in our walk or finding Him in. And He knows which ones would fold us too. And that is why each of us are amazed by other's stories- they aren't our "area" of molding "can" handle pushing in... they are the "snap" areas.. therefore others are amazing thru Him to us. So Jen, if you see this.. you are SO AMAZING TO ME to get thru it all with such stride with Him girl!! KNOW THAT!
My other precious Facebook friend is Ernie Feasy. He is just full of awesome faith in Christ... love for all thru Him... one uplifting soul thru all of my 3rd brain surgery and recovery--all the while preparing, and just went thru His wife Jen having her brain tapped into to repair a breach in the membrane between the sinus and brain and also patch and fuse all leaks found. Complicated and second time in 10 years. But she has strong faith, awesome husband, and amazing God. Ernie... you are one dear soul to hang tough thru all of us brain girls! God bless you!!!! Hug Jen for me!
I love you all!! You all are gifts from God. And He has plans rolling out for you all!!!!
As for my stack of medical records... one day I am writing a cool book-with credit to God!
In His Precious Love,

Heather Siebens @AliveinMe

Romans 1:12 I'm eager to encourage you in your faith, but I also want to be encouraged by yours. In this way, each of us will be a blessing to the other.

Mountains are NEVER too high

2010-05-11T22:54:00.013-04:00

Haven't you been thru tough times when you think you will never make it thru it? Whether it is in work, health, family issues, marriage complications, temptations that you can't break, loved ones lost, and so on and so on. This isn't just tough times you go thru. It is actually an amazing mountain Jesus has set in your life-for you to trust Him as your guider, keep following Him in His direction as you pray about it. Keep trusting Him even when rocks do fall beneath you, and it sets you back several feet again. As for getting thru this amazing mountain WILL happen, it is in Christ's perfect timing-His plan.

Have any of you done indoor rock climbing before? I absolutely love it. I usually rip up the wall in seconds quicker than my own hubby. Just has always been a gift. But when my body and muscles get tired, it has its fallbacks. Which is why when we are climbing The Mountain thru Christ ... we may get tired too. We may get worn and broken. We may feel there are just no more answers to come. That is the moment we have to breathe deep, refocus, open our hearts and minds and Bibles as we pray. That way again we can see His next turn and plan awaiting me...you. Then with that refreshment thru Him-again we start that climb to the next part of His plan.

And that part is so amazing!! Seeing all the more parts of plan He does have--and has had since before we were born. We just have to learn to trust and seek Him... so we can have them unfold more and more. As we climb that mountain and taste the fact He has answered prayers already-and has you now, full of His love therefore full of faith-knowing what He has in store up this Mountain is good and well worth every issue you encountered getting there so far--it will be worth it every struggle to come!!

I have been there-with a big struggle of ups and downs and add ons as well to a decade of my health plummeting. Thru it I learned to run to find Him, to grasp Him, to trust Him, when weak-to call and reach to Him, to love Him, to let Him love you, and to learn He has these amazing plans-thru this what seems endless and unfixable-He has planned all differently, for HIS GLORY THRU YOU! And that is a big TRUE!!! Was a decade of uncontrollable epilepsy enhanced by pregnancy-and today (May 12th) my 3 month anniversary of my 3rd brain surgery this year. I am now-after of decade of all medications tried, retried, and tried again, 1 than 2nd brain surgery--still having seizures. The mountain began to seem higher. But I knew better-and kept climbing, all the spots they may have seemed I'd never make it. And now, I am here... on top of the Mountain--smiling filled up with His Grace, Mercy and Love... thrilled to say.. no matter how long it takes to get up that mountain--it is never as hard as it could be-if you didn't allow Christ to guide you, carry you ever at times. He is excited to see us climbing, with faith!!

Are you today? Don't take a moment... make sure if you feel negative on you situation, your climb-you reach to Him, on whatever part of that mountain you are on... pray... see what He has in store. He will guide you!

God bless you all!!

Heather

@AliveinMe

Love

2010-05-04T21:04:00.002-04:00

Love.
I love to give love. Now, don't worry, I absolutely LOVE to receive it too. But it is just an amazing feeling to make someones day bright-showing them how much you care-love them. Take someone in your life forever, and show them your love forever, no matter what. Bring life into this world and show the little creature how to love, and show them love. No matter what. To have been brought up by people who loved you always, thru everything, and showed you thru all years. To see a stranger in tears, yet comfort them with God's love-showing them love still does exist. There is so much love out here. But the point is-what is the true love? Who invented-brought it into this world?
Wasn't me...nor my parents, even though they taught me a lot. Truly where love came from for all of us to learn, live, endure, teach-is our Lord, our Savior, Jesus Christ. God brought Him here to share it, to show it, to live it, to want it, to die for us for it, to rise from the dead for it---for us to hopefully get the point. HE LOVES US ETERNALLY-UNCONDITIONALLY---NO MATTER WHAT. Now, that is the key factor with Christ's love, in comparison to any human being--UNCONDITIONAL, FOREVER!! None of us can do that, as much as our hearts try. It is amazing and awesome that we do try... but we sure have to focus on HIM, walk more LIKE HIM, read HIS WORD, live like HIM...in order to be any closer to living that way!!
No matter what-we will fail. But with those key factors above, it can get closer to being close to Him, rather than being far from Him... which is what I'd rather be. I've lived that life of hate-and at that, comfortable, daily hate. And I don't want to go back to that again. I look back and just wonder how I was ever like that, yet change so drastically. That is all the Holy Spirit working thru me while searching for and finding and praising Jesus. I am forever grateful. It was perfect timing....for the finding of my husband today, and the raising of my little girl-she was at such a young age up loving Jesus. He knows what is needed, at what time!!
And love is amazing. So all the love songs out there that say that-are true. It is worth every tear to find it, and share it. So when you have it, celebrate it. And celebrate it with Jesus-for He has a meaning for your love!!

I love you all!!! Don't let anyone knock your love down. Talk to God about it-have Him bless it.

Blessings to you all...

In His Love,

Heather
@AliveinMe

1 Corinthians 13:13 There are three things that will endure-faith, hope, and love-and the greatest of these is love.

Colossians 3:14 And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love. Love is what binds us together in perfect harmony.

Down-who will bring you up

2010-04-30T21:02:00.001-04:00

Ecclesiastes 5:19-20 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life-that is indeed a gift from God. People who do this rarely look with sorrow on the past, for God has given them reasons for joy.

Ecclesiastes 6:10 Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there's no use in arguing with God about your destiny.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

I NOW know who brings me up. Who loves me unconditionally --and has had amazing plans since BEFORE I was born. That would be my Lord and Savior-Jesus Christ. The One who gave HIS life, so I could live my life-forgiven, loved, able to be side by side with Him one day in Paradise. Now why do we all sit here and whine? That is just amazing!!! He loves us no matter our personality glitch, our looks, our talents, and even our tempers...no MATTER WHAT!!! That promise is SEALED!!!

Yet, we humans have our bad days. Our tough times. And many wallow over it. Many despise HIM over it-thinking He wrongly twisted what THEY wanted. Others whom don't have a clue about Jesus-look for any reason, anyone to be wrong in a situation. And I personally know from a very difficult time when I didn't know Him, that I had to find something to turn to. Family wasn't there. Friends only go so far. This was BIG. My ex beat me. Someone or something had to cure it-numb it-rid me of it, at least for some time, as I figured life out. That is where overdosing came in. Drugs for many come in as the "god" the filler of the void-rather than knowing to-or just not running to the God with our plans. The God of comfort. Jesus watches every step--giving off signs left and right, that way is the wrong way!! But what are our hearts and souls open to?

It still took me more learning-more tragedy-more "taps" to find out as I was going to my first Christian church-that it is all about HIM! He is the One with all my answers!! He is the One with all the comfort. He is the One with all the guidance. He is the One with true grace and mercy-even thru everything I got myself, my little one into. He gently held my hand-asking me to not just trust Him, give my life TO HIM, but to completely lean on Him, let Him carry me this next few miles as I grow closer. As I am molded more, and understand more.

Down times aren't that down-when you have a close relationship with Jesus Christ. It is just a bump in the road. Swimming slower with floaties. Climbing a mountain with tons of belt and gear on tight. Until the moment you are lifted by His encouraging Words of Love-Words of Faith-Words of Hope-Words of Truth... that your mind begins to open again. And your heart beats twice as much per minute, out of pure excitement for what your Lord has shown you already!! Then you run that flattened road, swim fast without any floaties--He is above watching you!! And Climb what seemed like an endless mountain--with your bare hands--knowing you are climbing it FOR HIM!!

These are the amazing moments. Remember them each time you are down. Jesus is the One who will bring you up! He will also, along with that--be presenting more plans He has had--as you open your heart more, again with trust and obedience.

When down--I am here... but I am not Jesus! Turn your head to Jesus!! He is the One who created you-with amazing love and plans!! And is ready to keep this life rolling--with you-hand and hand!!

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

God knows the whole story of your life because He is the Author of your biography. He knows the last chapter, and He thinks you are wonderful. ~Jan Silvious

Reflecting and Understanding

2010-04-25T15:54:00.001-04:00

Here to share my story-my faith thru it all....

Do we count the days that are good or bad? Or do we reflect, be thankful and continue on the way God has planned for us? Don't you get stuck in ruts that you look back at what happened, circumstances or what you pulled and kind of get stuck wallowing? Trying to figure it all out? I sure have. For many years. But I also, thankfully with HIS patience have been shown how everything turns out for Good-in His time, with our faith-His Love.
Every one I talk to, wanting to know about my past, my trials, why I have such faith--if they don't know me in person or by picture think I am at least in my 50's. That is because I chose a more complicated road to find Christ. Have had a lot of trials. I was presented all amazing wonder about His truth when I was healthy at 19--but my rocky marriage and pride got in the way. It was MY WAY. That is when Jesus gently started "tapping" me. From flat tires on the way to see wrong men- to rolling my car, but stepping out unharmed. He was honestly holding me tight from destruction of not finding Him one day-by putting a stop to a lot of things. When I just thought it was an irritating day, or some 'idiots" fault for leaving destructive materials in the freeways.
Then after how many break ups of my first marriage and different men during-he blessed me with pregnancy of my beautiful child I have today... while we were out planning divorce. We stuck it out, but it led to destruction-as for no one stepped up to the plate of needing Christ to make it happen. That was greatly needed for care and understanding on both sides-as for my seizures flew out of control and we weren't used to that. And that threw his plans of schooling out of line. Anger built up more. More wrong between us both. Instead of having a hand at all hospitalizations-I had someone with anger. When I was in for my 1st brain surgery in 2002-it looked promising. And it was. Until my baby and I moved to where my husband then was stationed-2 mos after the surgery. We got to Texas-four days after-he beat me...which led to my confusion, tears, and overdosing for my first answer-nearing death several times.
My husband today came into my life even more. He was rather confused. Always thought the times he saw me and I was so high, then crashed for hours was just epilepsy related. He has no background in family of health issues. Led to quite the course of confusion, tears, a break-up, and trying to share and understand. His heart sure went out to me. And my daughter. But he knew he couldn't fix whatever was wrong. We fortunately dated from afar-which helped keep things still sparkling on my sane days.
I lost my first job-trying to make money to support my baby and I, on our own. I wanted nothing to do with my ex, who was fortunately for us-stationed in Iraq right after he beat me. Gave me time to get thru it all-drastically. When I hit more depression other than what that was causing in my life-his beating me-I would pop more of my anti-seizure medication to numb that pain. And then it led to whenever I had to deal with my ex-I would pop ridiculous amounts. I had no one near me to talk to. One blasted night I saw this church sign (I go there still!) --my color purple-Cornerstone. I began to go. I went for 4 months without talking to a soul-just trying to get comfortable with it all-and understand it-and feel what others did. I had many nights it threw me into tears. Many nights I went blasted-but still felt "something." Sort of like cleansing me. I finally approached someone to talk about it all-all the Jesus stuff, and all I was going thru. To this day we are friends. Ever so thankful. It was from that day I was fighting to get well....
I had this wretched conversation with my ex, on the 18th of October 2003--all of a sudden he didn't "recall" his beating me October 6, 2002--even with military pics taken.... I blew up. I was hurt.
I "fixed" that the human way-not thru Jesus. I popped every pill and saved up pills for months for a bad day. I was blasted in hours that day-which I should not be here typing anymore--as for how much it was. I was taken to my hospital-where they pumped my stomach-and right before I hit coma-Jesus heard me crying--saying I wanted to change this. Needed His help. And little over 24 hours later-I did wake....which started a whole new outlook and health battle for me... all for His glory.
Many think they accept Jesus and all will be wonderful that day forward. That isn't the case. He molds us. Watches us try more to walk in His footsteps-with stumbles in between. He holds His hand out in every trial-and we have the choice to love Him and take it, or be bitter and turn. And the more I learned to grab His hand-the more I learned that His plans were amazing.
I went thru so many-uncountable medication changes. Seizures. HUGE ones in front of my baby girl, alone. And others for all to see. But the best part is, I grew up strong-knowing that as long as I took it on well, others would too. Never rejected, just cared for. Always a strong girl.
My divorce was taking a long time, because he was overseas and also-God wanted me to forgive and ask for forgiveness. As well as it gave me and my husband now, time to grow together-understand each other, growing with Jesus. And it was amazing. He had to adjust to me not being well, a great portion of the time as we searched for answers. He got to help me with me 2nd brain surgery-as my fiance. Which was a lot for him to take on. He watched my, now our little girl while I was there.
Thru all the years of battling for answers since 1st brain surgery- we found more and more health issues getting in the way for medication to work. My absorption of many vitamins and iron were almost completely MIA. Which increases seizures and health. I got hit with the height of TMJ-jaw out of place for weeks, the severe RLS-up all night. Which both make it hard --impossible to sleep-which causes seizures. I have one kidney that almost completely doesn't work-reason for pain on certain meds. And I have air in my salivary gland-- which might make you laugh. Then there was great depression at times--where you cry never ending, no reason. And famous severe migraines. But thru all this-I finally figured it out. In 2009, when I hit the hospital hard-hardly able to walk, had to be carried to the bathroom... we looked for MS, cancer etc with my blood work. But that wasn't it. It was lack of Vitamin D and Iron, ferritan level-had injections and that leveled back to normal. My seizures were still there-but I was ever grateful to Jesus it wasn't MS or cancer. I hit my Bible twice as hard and shared it with all. Twittered to the world-reaching out to help others. Took my mind off ME--placed it on Jesus and others. And that whole year, while we waited for a date for third brain surgery, as for my body couldn't take 32 pills anymore-I focused on HIM. And He blessed me in HIS timing... a year later. With a surgery date-- and a successful one!!! One that was done AWAKE!! There for 15 nights... but healed so quick-with so much support here-and from twitter. I thank Jesus so much.
I am now seizure free. I never thought that would be hard. I have to adapt to the fact that I missed out on a lot. I look at pictures from my past at the glitches of time I was temporally well-and thank Jesus for that, yet am sad it wasn't long. My long term memory is so vivid it is all like yesterday-so it is adjustment.
Thru both my husband's trust and mine-we gained so much. An amazing marriage, and Tory is now his. Biologically was born to my ex, but he came in so late in her life, he stepped out. God saw how strong our marriage was, our faith... and still open to my ex-yet He decided what was best. And I received a step out phone call last year as I was waiting on my surgical date. All in a year. AMEN!
Another amazing part is-I am well now. I can look back and still see how well taken care of I was-my daughter was by our Lord and Savior, during some rocky times I had. And understand there is always a purpose-and I am just here to share my story and faith.

God bless you all...

In His Love,

Heather Siebens

@AliveinMe

Jeremiah 17:15 Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise.
Ephesians 2:8 God saved you by His special favor when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God.

Our Plans vs Gods Plans

2010-04-24T18:50:00.001-04:00

I thank God every day for sitting here typing to you all. As for I really shouldn't be-but He more than heard my cry-saw my heart wanting to get well-do well... with that, He saved me here. Giving me the chance to share His Word.
And I thank Him for the trials I #1 mostly brought on myself #2 He allowed some to enter to get me to run to HIM!! He gave me multiple second chances. And I am so fortunate, as for I see life in a very different way-His way.
I don't sit here and turn back, regretting what I did. What I went thru. What I pulled. I look back amazed, yes, that I am here. My car is so dinged up from those days-I couldn't let it go. My husband and I still have it in our garage, my memento to look at-NOT PROUD-but amazed and thankful that I am still here typing-sharing His Word. That my kiddo is still here, loves me so much-no remembrance-and on fire for Jesus. And that my husband today, loves me-thru it all. Jesus sure has HIS PLANS.
So we sit here and we plan. When it doesn't go thru-what do most do? Get upset and retry. And if it isn't something that you can retry-most get angry. Now if aware of God-many get angry at Him. The plus with that is they know God-and that He does interact in our lives-whether we like the way or not. The negative is that they aren't realizing that even if it looks negative-loss of a job, illness, family struggles, addictions, etc.... that He is going to take that "negative" point in life to train you. To wake some up-call to many that He is who to look to-love most. Ask for HIS PLAN. He takes the issues and will turn for good... CATCH... it is in His timing.
Which will include Him guiding you in your walk to find Him or closer to Him. Getting others to ask you about HIM. He loves molding those who have accepted Him-- taking all to another level in a walk with Christ. And it isn't just this ONE big time. This is our lifetime on earth. But that also means Christ is there for us-our whole lifetime on earth... with amazing plans-keep opening you heart and mind. That marriage will endure, that career will be built, that addiction will fade... as we seek Him and hang onto Him -- trusting that the ONE who created us-has awesome plans too!
So, thru every trial-instead of shaking your fist at Him, or being angry at others-hold your faith and trust up to Jesus. Knowing, in His time and His way-is the right way. I have watched certain people in my family begin to react this way. Listen, and trust Him. He loves us all so much.
Blessings to you all. As I adjust to His answer of my decade prayer. Getting all to adjust to me well-seizure free after ten years, is an adjustment-but a blessed one!

In His Love,

Heather Siebens
@AliveinMe

Micah 6:8 No, O people, the LORD has already told you what is good, and this is what He requires: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.

Titus 3:5 He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of His mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us new life through the Holy Spirit.

Healing Steps

2010-04-23T13:43:00.001-04:00

Amen!!!

Tory's 9th birthday was such a blessing!!! Yes, she got the great gifts she loves... got the amazing family from mom and dad and uncle to her cousins and aunt she loves dearly!! She got all that love she adores-and was able to return it!! She is such a precious jewel from our true gift-Jesus Christ. He blessed us big time with such a precious soul like Tory.
I felt deep emotions for the first time in a long time. I just had to figure them out. The first were elated "happy" tears-that I was so well for THIS birthday for Tory. I've always put together good birthday's and great history of them all. But this was the FIRST since her birth I was seizure free-very well for. That grabbed tears of joy, as I took the pictures I had taken and made music videos. Her smiles were so amazing.
Then came tears of loss. Loss of time. Loss of what I would have done over the years had I been more "well." This struck me because I was going on a field trip with Tory. We had been counting down days. Yet the night before, Tory had the "if I can go" statement. And that shook me. Who told her I wasn't going? Did she not want me there? So I asked her why she still wondered if I'd make it. And it was because of how sick I have been over the years-not able to do as much, or always follow thru. My heart sank. She was so sweet about it. Just making sure I feel good and my head doesn't hurt bad from surgery. But THIS IS MY KID. I love she loves me like that. But she shouldn't worry if I am going now. I am well-and will strive to make it all. We just hugged and talked about the prior years. I let her know Jesus has His arms always wrapped around us.... and if anything changes, she is sure one strong kid with an amazing heart thru Christ. But give any worries to HIM and talk to me!!!! :) It was a great field trip after that.
It is amazing what having a long term illness can do to how other people live. It is something when is healed, that has to be talked about-on how all are feeling about it now. Big change both ways.
She is such a doll. But is also amazing what is in their thoughts-which is why Jesus likes us to pray. To love-to yoke-to bring up-and to LISTEN.
Sometimes can be hard to listen to your 9 year old when you already have your directions in mind. But we sure need to.
Love you all....

In His Grip,

Heather

@AliveinMe @EpilepsyCures

Cling or Run

2010-03-15T20:30:00.002-04:00

Does everyone see me smiling in this picture? I love that!! Even in pain I can smile. As for it almost feels like I can say, "I am finished." No--- far from finished for all He has planned with me thru Him on this earth- but I am finished with that very LONG, crucial chapter-running to Him, finding Him, struggling thru illnesses, hanging on, finding comfort, obedience, trials, fallings, refocusing, growing, PRAYING, living, focusing, blessings, tears, laughter, questions, answers, loving, guiding, sharing, praising, learning, teaching, learning again-all came to a BIG CLOSING. An understanding one. Me not focusing on just me and my issues-or MY ISSUE. Me, focusing on Christ, and what HE COULD STILL USE ME FOR... even while sick, at home-living for Him. And He saw me more than doing it-daily.
Don't think I am perfect. No one but Jesus is perfect. AMAZING!!!!!!! But, since I learned to truly focus on Him, His will for me, pray about, focus on others-reach to them the way He told me-thru His word... the more I forgot about my issues-and strife. Less seizures I would have-even though, I still had them. And with that obedience-He blessed me with my 3rd-awake brain surgery in February-- THAT WAS SO SUCCESSFUL!!! SO BLESSED!! SO OVERLOOKED BY CHRIST- AND ALL OF YOU!!! And I am ever so grateful!!! I had a couple meltdowns prior. The date kept getting pushed back. Words you'd never think would come from my mouth. Or one morning I -- Heather Siebens, felt sorry for myself!! Go figure, right? Human. But I decided to shake it-and reach out-also to others with epilepsy. And that is when I started @EpilepsyCures and http://epilepsycures.ning.com http://www.causes.com/epilepsycures AND THAT FELT AWESOME!!! Reaching out to those that feel alone-or like there is no answer!! That turned my focus around, again. I thanked Jesus for that!!
I was also one of two who started @worldprayr --- but I am no longer on it, not by choice. Was a blessing when I was part. But, during that time-that was an invite to do-because if you notice-I am a prayer warrior. As for He has seen me thru so much.
Thru everything in life-while finding Him-I didn't cling to anyone other than HIM. Which was a blessing. I was figuring it all out. But then my faith grew-and I found out He will CARRY US AT ALL TIMES- but He is ready to take our "clinging" and turn it into "holding tight" ... then walking tight--then walking like-- more and more Christ like--BUT HE IS ALWAYS THERE TO SPOON US UP. But, He is looking for us to cling, to focus, to walk, to run with Him!!! To HIM!!! Cling may be a start-- but isn't for the whole walk!! That is like being an adult at the bottle to be fed. But clinging to Him-is far better than clinging to human, bottles, pills, or porn etc. He has amazing plans for you-me-us!! He also has growth waiting for you in your walk!
So today, even if you know HIM VERY WELL... if you are going thru something tough, or big questions-- I ask you-- to RUN TO HIM, ask Him your next step!! Don't ask a humans here. HE HAS ALL YOUR ANSWERS!
Love always,
Heather Siebens @AliveinMe
1 Corinthians 3:2 I fed you with milk, not solid food, for you were not ready for it. And even now you are not ready, for now you are still of the flesh. For while there is jealousy and strife among you, are you not of the flesh and behaving only in a human way?

God's Hands

2010-02-28T11:57:00.002-05:00

Everything is in GOD'S HANDS!!!
With that I am blessed! There are so many that think EVERYTHING is in their OWN hands. When He has had plans for us--laid out-back when we were in our mother's womb... back when HE WAS THE ONE WHO KNEW EVERYTHING ABOUT US!! Every hair on our body!! We ARE HIS CHILDREN!!
But yet so much of this is thrown aside. Gets thrown aside during work when all gets busy-- focus is on making the next sale, or making the right decision, creating what the boss wants- yet time is so intense here--so fast--that we all forget to take the time to sit back to whom already has the answers!! Our creator- Jesus Christ!! Pray to Him, anywhere, anytime!! His answers don't always come ASAP-- as for that is His point. His time is the RIGHT time!! But the answers that are perfect-- WILL UNFOLD. And you will have nothing then to worry about! But still, we all have a tendency to forget- and move forward- FAST- on our own!
Health... we all can get out of control. Looking first for the RIGHT doctor on our own. Then when answers come back not good... we are upset.. many bitter. We close up and get angry, or depressed and secluded. Instead of knowing- Jesus WILL work thru it WITH AN AMAZING PLAN-- IN HIS TIMING- ALL FOR HIS GLORY!! This I learned face to face.. and finally learned to give it ALL to Him!!! And it turned out to work absolute wonders-as I reached to Him-and prayed and helped OTHERS--as I gave all mine already to Him to handle- in HIS TIME! And this gave me more gentle, loving, kind use of my heart for others!!! Knowing we all have "something" and not one issue is harder than another-- just different!!!
There are so many souls that will bring you up-- out of the blue and recognize verbally, out of no where-how they see you working your strife in life-all for His Glory!! They see your pain and suffering-but not because you complain.. just prayers others have had-- blogs they have read-and then see you not complaining-but helping others and praising Jesus!! If you ever want to meet a true soul on twitter and facebook who will acknowledge this-with a heart you just aren't used to too often-- then WOW- connect with dear @Garfug ... his words are inspiring and have touched my heart for life- in regards to all of this. He sure knows how Jesus works!
Love you all-- Jesus has plans for you!! Even thru storms He loves you BIG TIME- as HE HOLDS YOU TIGHT- with awesome plans to follow!!
I am here for you for prayer! Blessings to all!!
In His Love,
Heather @AliveinMe http://www.facebook.com/AliveinMe (Hetty Jeanette Jensen-Siebens)
1 Peter 1:7 These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

Change

2010-02-25T23:44:00.001-05:00

Changes.
No Screaming over them!
No fighting.
No severe disagreement ... wait... no... just accept it all very easily, go with it all-simply-- OKAY!!!???
OKAY--- NOT!!!
Change has always been the human difficulty in life-refusal. The reason a lot of marriages will fail-- arguments BLOW UP-- counselors make money--and others just lose the mind and many, their faith. Changes are not avoidable. They will occur in everyone's life. For relationships of all types, friendships, family, marriages-- to stay strong, we sure have to keep the focus on love for each other-the amazing creation we all are, and with change-KNOW, IT IS JUST JESUS WORKING THRU US-FOR HIS GLORY!!
What is your change? New job? New hobby? New focus on type of family life? New faith focus on Christ? New friendship circle? New turn in health? New... some chosen... some hit upon us-either way-many changes out there. And as we change, adapt-our loved ones need to-as we adapt to theirs. And we help each other thru it. If we don't do this, on solid ground, thru our Solid Rock- Jesus Christ- everything will begin to fall apart- in every change-- THIS I KNOW SO WELL- from my ex. I #1 WOULDN'T CHANGE... #2 when I DID change-- everyone had to adapt to ME- but I didn't have to THEM. THANK GOD THRU TOUGH TIMES I FOUND JESUS--- and saw that selfish side... and learned humbleness .... and how to change for Christ, for myself, for others, and accept change of loved ones.
This world keeps changing... but I know who is IN CONTROL... and I trust our Lord... our Savior and Creator... who can change every thing, in the snap of fingers. Our Alpha and Omega. Beginning and End. He knows our changes and wants us to do it more gracefully thru HIM... just pray and look to HIM... He more than helps us... smile.. don't scream!!
I am blessed with such a dear husband. Patient as ever. As close to a humble Jesus as a human can get. I AM TOO BLESSED THERE... but I praise Him every day. Enjoy my humor picture I encouraged Christian to do with me... that is more me.. than him. But that is marriage. He jumped into it, for me... for that love. 100% 100% ---I love him so.
I love you all... Enjoy all change! He has plans thru it all!
In His Grip,
Heather @AliveinMe

Colossians 1:6 This same Good News that came to you is going out all over the world. It is bearing fruit everywhere by changing lives, just as it changed your lives from the day you first heard and understood the truth about God’s wonderful grace.

Excitement!!

2010-02-20T10:38:00.000-05:00

Excitement.
It is just pure excitement-to be home. To be home with my loved ones, and feeling so well, so quick ... God is so good!!
Do I feel perfect? NO. But to sit here, compare to prior brain surgeries that weren't as complicated-but much more painful-I CAN SURE SEE WHAT THE POWER OF AMAZING PRAYER DOES!! As my relationship with Jesus just grew tighter, closer since my second resection in 2005. And I can sit here and say, He is nothing but AMAZING, Loving, Caring, Merciful--->thru EVERYTHING! Holding my hand tight---and all my friends and family, and doctors! Made this all smooth out, so simply. Made my relationships grow with friends-- near and far-- so much closer than ever! And I am forever grateful. Grateful for every moment of suffering it took. As for that is how I met SOOOO many of my dear friends to begin with. We have to sit back and see the positives, out of what may seem like a negative---> realizing those positives WOULD NEVER HAVE OCCURRED if the hard stuff did NOT. So ALL I CAN SAY is AMEN!!
I came home to so much love from my family. Relief from my parents, that I survived. And my dear brother-- growing closer to accepting Jesus with all he has gone thru. Worth every moment of anguish if it helps any ONE person find Jesus.
Thru it all, I am finding my niche in life. I am seeing I can't sit still much longer---I need out THERE with my mouth for Christ. And I JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR HIS TIME!
Till then... I love you all, and praise God for your friendships and prayers! Know I am here to pray for you all!! And share, always my stories! He is just amazing--I am always in awe!

In His Love,

Heather @AliveinMe

Psalm 145:5-6 I will meditate on Your majestic, glorious splendor and Your wonderful miracles. Your awe-inspiring deeds will be on EVERY tongue; I will proclaim Your greatness.

So MUCH LOVE

2010-02-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

We all have so many gifts. Not the "beauty from this picture!" And not talking about Birthday, Christmas, the upcoming Love Card and gift day... when in reality, that should be every day---but we all have personal gifts, God gives to us.
Many of you may be sitting there thinking: what the heck is mine? I drive fast.. I have good hair.. I know how to do my make-up... my clothes are the finest... I raised all my children correctly... I make enough money for all... and so on and so on... and these gifts, are they really enough? Enough for you? For you to keep growing-to even find MORE gifts? Satisfied with one time shot of "good" or making ends meet perfect? Does being "uncomfortable" get you... YOU not feeling "gifted." To be outside of what YOU felt as YOUR gift..?
I have grown quickly to learn so much about Jesus, His absolute truth in 7 yrs... I started searching for Him-first REAL time February 9th-at 6pm... at http://www.cschandler.com (Cornerstone Christian Fellowship) It is NOT an overnight learning. And it all isn't from reading the Bible like a BOOK... honestly, just isn't the way to read it... He talks to us thru where WE are called to open as we pray before opening. Now for any who have never opened it... that is my advice in the New Testament, not to read straight... but go where He leads. Not where people tell you- WHERE HE TELLS YOU... and He will.
When I did that... going thru such hard times, I finally after going to this church, some Sundays just ripped out of my mind, on large overdoses of Phenobarbital--to numb the pain of my ex beating me. That wasn't the ANSWER...nor did it get in the way of the Holy Spirit busting right thru my blasted brain...to talk to ME. ME!!! Was I really that special-to be directly guided, hugged, comforted, allowed to cry out loud-- all because of Him wrapping His love around me... opening my burnt brain to understand where Pastor Linn was leading with His Word? Yes. As are you!! As for He knew us all before we came to this earth... with awesome plans- that we- until, and still during our walk with Him, can really throw out of loop-from His originated way.. we usually, as humans-take it OUR way. But when you get in a crunch, you realize the word surrender so much better when presented it, clueless, and living a "perfect life" in our lives.. then "imperfectness" is allowed in... and we lose control... it is a true gift-HE IS THERE --- WITH LOVE and TRUTH-- The whole way!! Hands wide open... TRUE LOVE! And when we begin to open our heart and mind to Him... He is able to reach more deep into our lives... and mold us, as we keep walking with Him, clinging to Him... until amazing faith hits a home-run!! Then He is ready, even more, for us to lose that "comfortable feeling" and head forth to feed others His truth. Not like we won't have troubles... but our Spiritual walk, so much tighter with Him... that He is ready to place the step of strength-of battling others of non-belief, in LOVE, (as I was) to many... !!! Some may be starting with a neighbor, stranger in the mall, someone crying at church..a work partner or employer...smaller steps-that are BIG... but amazing ones.
And THEN even more comes forward... we really have to learn to pray for everything, in HIS WILL. And you will see where He has planned for you. And with all of this... learning, growing, sharing, learning, growing, sharing.... all for Him, in all circumstances... He is smiling BIG knowing you are beginning to gleam more and more brightly for HIM and THRU HIM... and these feelings are amazing.
I have seen amazing doors opened thru my illnesses... and HUGE ones during my wellness. Either way, our life was given to us, thru His love and grace-FROM HIM... we are to use it FOR HIM. But sometimes that darn wrapped up comfortable life.. gets in the way!!
We then have to slide "comfortability" aside. What family or friends think... how it has people slandering... if your call is missionary.. learn to give up everything FOR HIM. When sick... realize what prayer to Him does-- HE IS MEDICINE... created amazing docs... but half our issues fly away when our whole life is wrapped around HIM! We can share our testimonies in the hospital... they can hear our music... they can see our light thru illness, thru Him. Our loved ones coming to visit us at the hospital- can see a patients wife crying-- be like my daughter at 7--just stop her and ask "Do you know Jesus loves you?" And it isn't tears of sadness, it is tears of what if's? "What if my husband, who is about to die doesn't know Him... where will he go... and watch her turn back around to re-talk to her husband on deaths door. And even if he did pass away.. he had the way to find HIS WAY! And now so does she!! (He does cure people last minute as well...) All from a few simple words from an 8 yr old... I think we as adults who have learned so much-- either should be, as the Bible says "more child-like" -not scared to say it, the way it is from our mouths... or we have to sure learn to do it in an amazing "kind and gentle" adult way... either which way- it is an amazing hand out of Truth and LOVE to others- to share the True Good News about Jesus Christ.. reason for life-- and every holiday we love... and the One we should focus on for Valentines even more. He is LOVE.
I am so grateful to Him, forever and ever for all my re-saves, coddling me, helping me grow thru trials.. to be who I am now-- and can be even more to come for Him!! I lived in a dark life... not even realizing it.. and He shared His Love and truth, mercy and grace-thru it all-and NOW I can see from then, and now!! He always has so much in store for us all, in hard times, and great times-so gentle, really. Every time we just thank & Praise Him, knowing He has nothing but good in store- even thru the storms as we clench to HIM!!
And thru HIM I love YOU ALL soooo much... AND TO HIM---I AM SO THANKFUL FOR EVERY TRIAL-- HAS HELPED ME GROW NOTHING BUT ALL FOR HIM, EVERY STEP--AS MY 3RD BRAIN SURGERY IS FINALLY SCHEDULED FOR THIS FRIDAY, FEB 12TH!!! PRAISE HIM!

Never regret your life-- He has amazing plans!!

In His Love and Grace,
Heather Siebens @AliveinMe @EpilepsyCures

Romans 15:13 So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in Him. may you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Ephesians 2:4 But God is so rich in mercy, and He loved us so very much, that even while we were dead because of our sins, He gave us life when He raised Christ from the dead.